Why do you still fail to discipline a naughty child despite your earnest words, reasoning, and beatings and scoldings?

Chengzi has to go back to China for a business trip these days. He has been abroad for too long and has accumulated a lot of chores that need to be handled personally. His schedule is full and he will probably have to fight against jet lag. He doesn’t want to hold a notebook and pretend to be on the road. I’m torturing myself, let me sleep so darkly on the plane! So I am too lazy to post an old article to make up the numbers, friends, please forgive me. I quite like this article. It talks about the relationship between \”discipline\” and \”intimacy.\” In fact, only 10% of effective discipline is discipline, and 90% is the management of intimacy. Let your children listen to you and start by building a good relationship with them. Today, let me tell you a story about Cheng Zi when he was a child. It must have been when I was in the second or third grade of elementary school that my grandpa, who had always lived in my hometown, came to live with my parents. Before that, because we lived too far away, my grandfather and I could only see each other during New Years and holidays. This was the first time we got to know each other day and night. Logically speaking, I am a typical good girl, and my grandfather is also a very kind and good-tempered old man. We should be able to get along well with each other and enjoy our family relationship. But it didn’t take long for the relationship between me and my grandpa to get very bad, and we disliked each other. In the end, my mother had to send my grandpa back to his hometown early. Why is this so? Because my grandpa has been disciplining me since the first day I got off the train. He didn\’t scold me sternly, but he always liked to point out some things I did wrong. He would talk about it no matter what I did, and he would not be idle all day long: \”Why did you watch TV for so long? It\’s not good for your eyes.\” \”Okay.\” \”You\’re holding the pen in the wrong way.\” \”Why are you lying on the floor and playing? Get up.\” Looking back now, it\’s just that the old man doesn\’t know how to deal with children and can\’t let go of his elders\’ pretensions, so he wants to use this method. Come to me. In fact, it is an expression of love. But I didn\’t understand this at the time. I just felt like my head was going to explode when the old man thought about it. In fact, my mother is also talking about the things he talks about, but when my mother talks about these things, I feel natural and listen willingly. When my grandfather talks about it, I feel uncontrollable irritation and anger. Especially when I make a mistake, my mother scolds me, and my grandpa is there to help me, she hates me even more and grits my teeth. I always think silently: \”I should listen to what my mother says, but why should I listen to you!\” \”The result of the resentment was that I later deliberately did many things to make my grandpa angry, rolling my eyes at him and slamming the door until he couldn\’t stay any longer. I was very confused when I did this. It was only when I grew up that I understood and regretted it. I hope that my grandfather, Izushita Izoshi, can forgive his ignorant granddaughter. Why do I bring this up? Because friends often come to me in the background and ask me: I am too busy at work, and most of the children at home are taken care of by the elderly. They spoil the children with a lot of problems, and they don’t listen to me. They talk too much. Just find an old man to protect you. How can you take care of such a child? I just want to say that this is not a question of how to manage it, it is a question of whether you are qualified to manage it! Parents tend to be more concerned about the methods, techniques, and techniques used to discipline their children, but there is a prerequisite for discipline that is often overlooked, which is whether the intimacy between you and your child is good enough. If you are just an insignificant person to your child, and you care about him, not only will you not getwill arouse his annoyance and resentment. Just like me when I was a child, the subtext in my heart is actually: Who are you? Do I know you well? When will it be your turn to take care of me? ! There was once a proverb that said: \”Domestic chickens are flying around, pheasants are flying all over the sky.\” This means that even if you hit a chicken at home, it will just run in circles in the yard and will not want to run out. If it is a pheasant that has been outside for a few days, if you hit it, it will fly away and will never miss it. of. If your child is very close to you, even if you hit him and scold him (of course this is not recommended), he will feel that you are doing his best, and may even blame yourself excessively, leading to low self-esteem. If your child has poor intimacy with you, even if you just say a few words to him indifferently, it will damage your already fragile parent-child relationship. If you actually hit and scold a child who already has a bad relationship with you, you will basically force him to hate you for the rest of his life. Don\’t be superstitious about blood and think that you are qualified to take care of your children because you are your biological father and mother. Mom and Dad are just titles. How you treat your child and how much time and energy you spend on him determines the meaning of this title to the child. If you usually leave your children to the elderly, and finally get some time to get along with them, but you just pick on the children and find out what is wrong with them, then the title \”Mom\” or \”Mom\” will become an inexplicable and annoying person to the child. Therefore, those parents who want to discipline their children who are spoiled by the elderly should first examine whether they are qualified to discipline their children. If your child is injured, he just wants to hold his grandma and cry, and when he goes to bed at night, he just wants his grandma to accompany him. , and resists your physical contact, you are far from qualified to discipline him. Although he will behave much better when he is alone with you than in front of the elderly, but don’t get me wrong, that is called alienation. It\’s called being polite. The child just doesn\’t want to waste time and experience conflicts with people who don\’t care. It doesn\’t mean that your parenting skills are any better than the old man\’s. Instead of blaming the elderly for being too doting, or complaining that the children are too naughty, you might as well spend your energy on repairing your parent-child relationship first. Don\’t say that you are busy at work and don\’t have much time to accompany you. Companionship is a matter of quality rather than quantity. As long as you are willing to turn off the TV, mute your mobile phone, and focus on high-quality company with your child, talk to him, play games, do crafts, and read picture books, even if you are at work. Parents, who only have two or three hours to spend with their children every day, can still be the number one in their children\’s hearts. Speaking of NO.1, I think that Mao Tou likes to rank the family members recently. Mom is always the first, and the rankings of grandma, dad, and sister often change. If it is the middle of the week, dad is probably fourth. Once the weekend is over, , Dad will rise straight up to second place. This effect is also obvious for Guoguo. When Dad gets off work in the middle of the week, she doesn\’t pay much attention to her. After hanging out with Dad for a weekend, she clings to Dad and refuses to come down. In fact, their dad doesn’t spend all day with them on weekends. He usually stays with them for an hour in the morning and lets me take a nap, and two or three hours in the afternoon while I take a nap. Yes, I really love sleeping. Oh, no! ——I am still doing them the rest of the time. But my father has an advantage, that is, he is very good at spending time with his children.When playing with children, he can always invent some very special games, and he is also very good at talking to children in a childlike way. Therefore, in the eyes of the children, he is a kind and interesting father. In this way, even if he does not have to accompany him for a long time, the effect of accompanying him is very obvious! All in all, if intimacy is a bank, companionship means depositing money into it. The higher the quality of companionship, the greater the denomination you can deposit. When your child starts acting coquettishly with you, he will insist on letting you hold him and accompany him, and he will also get angry at you unscrupulously. So congratulations, you have become a rich man. Your child already regards you as one of their own. Only when your child regards you as one of his own, the closest person, and the most trusted person, will what you say have weight in his heart; only when you are sad, will he care; will your expectations be meaningful to him. If your child listens to you, it is because he trusts and values ​​you. The child will be afraid that you will lose your temper because he is afraid that you will not like him. Because of your expectations, the child will even do things he doesn’t like to do. Everything is benign. All parent-child interactions are based on deep feelings. If you are already lacking in companionship for your children, then hurry up and make up for it. No matter how old you are, it is never too late. Especially those children who have lacked parental companionship for a long time and have been alienated from their parents especially need longer companionship and more time. Love and tenderness can melt the ice and snow in their hearts. When talking about intergenerational parenting, I always think of a saying, \”If you go out and mess around, you will always have to pay back in the end.\” It is indeed a lot easier for the elderly to help take care of the children, but the contributions you owe will still have to be paid in the end. return. If you want to have a say in your child\’s growth, you must first occupy a place in the child\’s heart. Everyone will only be affected by the person they love. If you want to influence your child, first make him love you enough.