Why do your children get annoyed when you open your mouth?

I watched a variety show before and the topic of \”being a parent\” was discussed. Everyone did not expect that Yu Qian, a crosstalk actor who \”talked with perfect accuracy\” on the stage, overturned in front of his son. When asked: \”What are you most afraid of your son saying to you?\” Yu Qian said: \”I am most afraid that he will say nothing.\” Yu Qian revealed that every time he asks his son \”How is school life?\” My son\’s answer is always \”very good\” and \”just like that\”, and there is nothing else to say. Yu Qian sighed helplessly: \”This is what I\’m most afraid of, because if you don\’t understand him, you won\’t be able to enter his world.\” The first words a child learns to speak are taught by his parents. Why does he become more harmonious as he grows up? What if your parents have nothing to say? These words are asked by parents and stuck in the hearts of children. On Zhihu, a netizen’s “complaint letter” revealed the childhood “scars” of millions of children. She said that when she was a child, her mother was afraid that she would catch a cold and always liked to bathe her with very hot water. Although the mother tested the water temperature with her hands and thought it was just right, for a child with delicate skin, the water was really hot. She protested with her mother more than once, but her mother always said: \”I tried it, but it didn\’t iron it and it got cold after washing.\” Although she fought countless times, she was defeated by her mother\’s \”self-feeling\” in the end. Over time, she felt that what she said was in vain, so she \”shut her mouth\” obediently. However, she would still be particularly scared every time she took a bath. Until one time, the water boiled beyond the limit, and every pore in her body felt as painful as if Grandma Rong had inserted thousands of needles into her. She wanted to plead with her mother, but when she thought about it, the result must be that \”Mom doesn\’t feel hot.\” As a young girl, she cried feebly as she thought about it. Her cry finally earned her mother a cold response: \”What\’s the point of crying? I\’ll just give you some cold water.\” There is always a \”thermometer\” between parents and children. When a child feels \”hot\”, parents will always use words such as \”It\’s not hot, it doesn\’t matter, don\’t cry…\” to force the child to surrender. Therefore, those children who grew up in \”scalding water\” slowly became silent as they suffered again and again. Scenes like this can be seen everywhere in life: the girl’s turtle died and she was very sad. His mother said, \”What\’s so sad? Just buy another one.\” The boy\’s rice was cold and he didn\’t want to eat it. My mother said, \”No, keep eating. It\’s still hot. Who told you to eat slowly?\” Parents always don\’t understand why their children don\’t want to talk to them. But the child has clearly said many times: \”The bath water is very hot\”, \”I\’m full\”, \”I\’m sad\”… \”Communication\” is two-way and requires feedback. When children express themselves, do parents really give them feedback that would make them willing to continue communicating? Psychologist Jonis Weber once said: \”If parents fail to give their children adequate emotional responses in childhood, it will cause potential psychological trauma to the children.\” When children express feelings, they are not understood, not seen, or even Being denied and suppressed, his heart slowly closed. Someone once asked: \”Why do children and their parents have less to say?\” The most favorable answer said: I thinkHe is always the right person, who would be willing to communicate with him? The mother takes her daughter shopping for clothes, but she never helps her buy clothes that she thinks look good. \”Pink doesn\’t look good. You\’ll look fat if you wear it.\” \”This color is easy to get dirty.\” \”What kind of aesthetics do children know?\” Her mother\’s words made the girl fall silent. After experiencing it several times, the girl no longer wanted to go shopping with her mother. My first grade son made new friends. The father shouted loudly: \”You are not allowed to play with XX. His grades are so bad. How can he be successful in the future? Play more with the monitor.\” The child lowered his head in disappointment. After a few more situations like this, the son no longer shares any of this joy with his father. As a child, you must have heard these words, and as a parent, you may have said these words too. Are these words correct? right! Are these words good for children? yes! But did the child listen? No! The \”rightness\” of being a parent is based on belittling children\’s aesthetics and friends selection. Such \”rightness\” is silently wrong. It reduces communication between parent and child to nothing more than \”um, oh, got it.\” Parents always think: \”I have eaten more salt than you have eaten rice, how could I be wrong?\” But if the \”salt\” fed by parents is too much, the child will feel bitter and uncomfortable, because the child wants to eat more It\’s sugar. I once watched an episode of \”Super Parenting\”. There was a child named Yuchen, and he always ignored his parents. His mother seems to care about him very much and always takes the initiative to talk to her children, but what she talks about is not just grades, but grades. Even at the dinner table, my mother would not talk about food or household chores, but would directly take out a paper and let Yuchen do it. The more Yuchen listened, the more impatient he became, so he just said, \”Okay, okay, okay.\” After a while, her mother started talking about studying again. This time Yuchen completely refused to communicate and went directly back to her room. On the surface, it seems that the child is ignorant, but in fact, it is the mother\’s communication method that makes the child feel \”suffocated.\” What the parents want to say is that what the parents care about is what they think is right, but they ignore the child\’s feelings. The sentence \”I am your mother, and I am doing this for your own good\” suppresses all the children\’s inner thoughts under the \”Five Finger Mountain\”. Parents always want to prove that they are right, which is a mistake in itself. Educator Yin Jianli once said: \”There are two fundamental reasons why adults often cannot find suitable methods when raising children, turning education into a destructive behavior: first, they do not trust their children, and second, they believe too much in themselves. .\” In parent-child communication, you are right as much as you are wrong, because winning over your child is far more important than winning over your child. After becoming a parent, I discovered that parent-child communication is the most difficult lever to balance. \”Excessive\” and \”less than\” often put us in a dilemma: if we don\’t speak, we are afraid that he will be wrong; if we speak too much, he will not listen. Parents’ language is their children’s gateway to the future world. How you speak so that your children are willing to listen is very important. Once, I witnessed a \”parent-child relationship overturning drama\” at the community playground. A little boy was building a house. He was about to finish it, but he accidentally touched it and it all collapsed. He angrily grabbed the blocks and smashed them. When the mother saw this, she yelled: \”Don\’t throw the blocks around, why are you so naughty?\” The little boy didn\’t listen at all and continued to go his own way. Mom continuesAfter a sudden beating, he broke down and cried. The mother became even more angry, \”I just kept crying and it was over. Isn\’t it because the building blocks collapsed?\” In the end, the boy hit his mother hard twice, called \”bad mother\” and ran away. The mother was left with a sigh, \”This child has reached the rebellious stage and I can\’t control it at all.\” \”Why does the child lose his temper so much?\” \”Why don\’t you listen to what you say?\” In life, such scenes are always repeated, mothers Fighting with the \”little devils\” every day was exhausting both physically and mentally. \”No, no, not allowed…\” When we emphasize these words repeatedly with an accusatory tone, what the children hear and feel is \”forbidden and not cared about\”, and then they lose control of their emotions. When he was a child, you would see him crying; when he grows up, you won\’t see him. Therefore, good parent-child communication should start from \”accepting the child\’s emotions\”. I once read a psychology article which stated: \”Children\’s upper and lower brains develop differently. The lower brain is the emotional brain and is mature. When a child encounters difficulties, the lower brain must be activated first. We can only see the child first Only through emotions can we guide children to mobilize their upper brain (rational brain), thereby improving their behavior.\” If we change the previous communication method to the following steps, the child may not be so difficult to deal with. 1. You didn’t build a good house. Are you very angry? (Seeing emotions) 2. If my mother failed to set things up, I would also be angry. (Emotional empathy) 3. Mom also wants to build the building blocks. (Shared expectations) 4. It’s wrong to throw blocks. Let’s pick them up together. (Ny the bad behavior and act together) When the child\’s emotions are seen, he feels cared for, and resonates with his parents, your communication can be effective. It is worth noting that we have to \”treat\” children\’s emotions and behaviors differently. Good and bad emotions need to be seen, but bad behavior needs to be \”killed.\” It\’s like letting your children know that \”it\’s OK to get angry when a building block collapses, but it\’s not OK to throw it around.\” \”You can stamp your feet when you\’re angry.\” Accept the child\’s emotions and use alternative plans to guide the child\’s behavior. Parent-child communication will not be like \”playing the piano to a cow\”. Can\’t even enter the heart. I once read this sentence: \”Many parents spend their entire lives wandering outside the door of their children\’s hearts. They have not found the key, but blame their children for difficulty in communicating.\” Bad behavior can be denied, but emotions must be seen first. Only when children truly feel accepted will they be willing to get close to you and open up to you. A writer once said: \”How many parents and children are in the same room but have nothing to talk about. They love each other deeply but do not know each other. They yearn for contact but cannot find a bridge. They long for expression but have no language.\” The relationship between parents and children is becoming more and more important. Being alienated and having nothing to say may have been the trigger at the beginning because of the phrase \”water is not hot\”. Remember, our feelings are not our children\’s feelings; our experiences are not a substitute for our children\’s lives. Only when we bend down, see the child\’s feelings, understand his emotions, and hear the voice from his heart, will that little person put his hand on our shoulders with trust, hug us and have a good chat with us. chat.