Why is it getting harder to take care of children?

I saw a question on Zhihu: Besides beating, how else can I educate my children? It turned out that when the little boy turned 4, he began to show another face besides the angel. For example, he will suddenly wipe his dirty hands on others; or he will suddenly go over to hit or push others; adults have expressly forbidden it, but the child will not listen at all, and even \”speaks evil words\”: I will cut you with scissors. Got it! If you don\’t listen to reason, beating and scolding will be useless. What\’s worse is that in the confrontation between discipline and resistance, the child becomes increasingly alienated from himself. The father had no choice but to ask: What should I do if my child disobeys? The famous Canadian psychologist Jordan Peterson said: \”Children are like blind people looking for the wall. They need to keep moving forward and trying before they can discover where the boundary is.\” Young children engage in various inappropriate behaviors , is actually a kind of exploration. However, as parents, we also have the responsibility to guide our children and help them clarify rules and boundaries. Don\’t choose to let things go when you should set rules, so that you won\’t regret it when you are helpless in the future. If your child refuses to obey, it’s you who stepped on these three mistakes. When it comes to standing up rules, many parents have a headache: It’s not that they don’t want to stand up, but it doesn’t work! Just like the father at the beginning, he explained the truth and even scolded and scolded, but the child still went his own way. The so-called rules are like decorations and cannot be established at all. In fact, the reason why rules don’t work is because we easily fall into three misunderstandings when setting rules. 1. Use adult authority to force children to obey. When many parents hear rules, they think they represent majesty and are a kind of command-style discipline. However, if you only tell your children to follow them, you ignore the significance of telling your children the rules. Such rules naturally cannot be recognized by children. For example, 5-year-old Dongdong was banging a spoon on the table in a restaurant. My mother scolded impatiently: Don\’t knock, do you hear me? Dongdong paused for a few seconds and soon started knocking again. My mother got angry, grabbed the spoon with her hands, and yelled, \”Don\’t knock it. If you knock it again, I\’ll beat you!\” Mom thought she made the rules very clear, but she didn\’t explain clearly why she couldn\’t knock on the table. In fact, mother only needs to explain calmly: knocking on the table will disturb others, and you don’t want to be disturbed, right? Children will be willing to try to follow the rules if they understand the fairness of the rules rather than being forced to obey. 2. Just seek a quick solution and not treat the symptoms but not the root cause. When children act up and act like monsters, parents’ anger can easily be ignited. It is clearly stated that graffiti is not allowed, but if you don\’t pay attention, there are all kinds of graffiti on the wall. At this point, all we want to do is yell or even beat him up. It is easy to yell and scold, and the effect is immediate, but without parental supervision, will children still abide by such \”rules\”? Setting rules is not a quick fix. When a child repeats a certain behavior, it is important to understand the true intention behind the child. For example, when a child draws on the wall, it may be to express some kind of dissatisfaction, or it may be that he is enjoying the painting and forgets it for a moment. Establishing quick rules can temporarily stop bad behavior, but it is difficult to develop true self-discipline. 3. When struggling with their children to establish rules, what parents are most afraid of is that their children will cry endlessly. A friend\’s 3-year-old son is obsessed with Ultraman. Every time he goes to the supermarket, he clamors to buy one, otherwiseIt’s hard to let go just by throwing a tantrum. Once, when I was pestered to no avail, my mother said harshly: I don’t care about you anymore, just stay here and cry! The child cried heartbreakingly, and the mother felt distressed and regretful, but there was nothing she could do. When setting rules, unpleasantness will inevitably occur. Children may lose control of their emotions and resist fiercely. This is exactly the time when guidance is most needed. Parents\’ indifference and abandoned attitude will make children lose their sense of security. In order to attract attention, the child may behave in increasingly \”bad\” ways. Control your emotions and don\’t compete with your children, so that they won\’t get worse. Must-read parenting books for parents recommend the most beautiful education and the simplest books to download in pdf. Without hitting or scolding, how to set rules for children seems to mean conflict and pain. In fact, rules and love are not opposites. The establishment of rules by parents will make children feel a sense of security in control. Thelma Freberg, an American child psychologist, said: A child who is not disciplined is a child who feels that he is not loved. Establishing rules is the real responsibility for your children. So, how do you make rules more effective? Try to grasp three key points. 1. The rules are concise, clear and operable. When children are young, we will set up many safety-related rules, such as not touching wires and not climbing into the kitchen. Some mothers will say: The baby cannot touch the wires, as it will get an electric shock. The electric shock is very painful, the consequences will be serious, and the mother will be very sad… In fact, it is difficult for a two or three-year-old baby to understand the mother\’s complex information. For young children, the simpler and clearer the rules, the easier they are to follow. For example, the mother directly takes the child away from the dangerous place, and the next time the child tries again, she sternly reminds him \”no\”. In the same way, when children make a noise in public, they can also shake their heads to stop them. Rules are simple but powerful, and are often more effective than repeated complaints and accusations. 2. The rules should be consistent and should not be complicated to confuse the rules, which would cause difficulty for children to understand. Inconsistency in rules will lead to loss of effectiveness. Some parents let their children do whatever they want at home, but expect their children to abide by the rules when they go outside. This is obviously unrealistic. Some parents face temptations from their children, all depending on their current mood: if they are in a good mood, they will relent and compromise; if they are in a bad mood, if their children are making a fuss, they will teach them a lesson. Therefore, when setting rules in the family, they must be consistent. First of all, we must keep the inside and outside consistent. There should be no difference between the rules at home and outside. Secondly, adults must have a consistent attitude when facing children\’s temptation and resistance. You cannot stick to the rules today and break them tomorrow. Such rules are undoubtedly just a fiction. Finally, there should be consistency between each member of the family. Even if there are differences of opinion, they should be resolved behind the scenes instead of causing trouble to the children. 3. Sincere communication is the prerequisite for implementing rules. Children will strongly resist, often because they fail to be understood. Parents should let their children know that setting rules is not a punishment, but to help them grow. Here are two tips you can try to help with communication. First, accept your child’s frustrated emotions. For example, a child cries for ice cream before going to bed. Being rejected is naturally unhappy, and children need to release this unsatisfied emotion. Parents canComfort said: \”The ice cream is delicious. Mom rejected you. Are you very angry?\” The child will slowly calm down when he feels understood. Second, explain to your child why it’s not possible. After the child calms down, we need to explain why this cannot be done and what the consequences may be. For example, tell your child: \”I\’m worried that you will have diarrhea and the baby will have a stomachache.\” At the same time, you can also provide your child with some room for choice. For example: \”Tomorrow we can choose a favorite flavor, which one do you want to eat?\” Rules are not one-way commands. Help children understand and try to learn to control, so that rules can truly enter their hearts. Although we can use skills and learn more effective methods, the fact is: setting rules will not always lead to happiness. Children will resist, cry, and break agreements repeatedly, which is frustrating but common. Setting rules is not just about knowing what to do and what not to do. Through repeated exploration and rejection, children will understand the feelings of others and what awe and boundaries are. There is this sentence in the book \”Set Rules for Children\”: \”It is difficult for discipline to receive gratitude from children until they experience the ups and downs of being a parent.\” The road to setting rules is not pleasant, but only gentle communication and firmness Implementation is a gift to children that will last a lifetime.