Why is it so difficult for most families to raise \”self-taught\”, \”self-disciplined\” and \”self-controlled\” children?

In August, a mother named \”Mengmeng\” left a message to me: \”Sister Mei, I would like to say a few words about my child playing games. My child went back to his hometown during middle school and learned to play WeChat games with his cousin\’s children. Games, I didn’t know WeChat had this function before. Now that my child knows it, I will teach her along the way, tell her what games are fun, and play with her. For a while, she was very addicted. One night, he told me that he wanted to play a game. I said, you go ahead and play, and then I turned off the lights and went to sleep. So, a little kid in middle school, holding his mobile phone, played games by himself in the study until one o\’clock at night ( I didn’t fall asleep (looking at the time), and then she got sleepy and turned off the lights and ran to sleep. Some parents may think I’m big-hearted, but I want to say that her dad and I don’t usually have the habit of playing games. At the same time, the child is growing up. You can\’t stop gaming during the process. Instead of blocking it, it\’s better to guide her appropriately so that she knows how to play the game properly. When she gets older, gaming may break away from parental control and open the door to a new world for others, but it won\’t for her. What\’s new is just like meeting an old friend to say hello. Facts have proved that what I did was right. My kid can play games and he always gets the first place in small games (I thought to myself at the time that you really don\’t know what\’s in the game. Who are they, maybe just a kindergarten kid). When she was in first grade, her dad couldn\’t play some games, but she wasn\’t too addicted and had good self-control. When the new crown epidemic was released, she was sick and played at home. I was feeling sad while playing the game. It’s so pitiful. These people are all sick at home, otherwise they wouldn’t have time to play games. I laughed in my heart while listening, hahaha. In fact, I have always been disgusted with guilt-based education, such as After playing games, I feel like I wasted my time. I feel so uncomfortable and guilty. I have to learn a lot to make up for it later. This is the last thing I want to see. I hope my children can play games openly. You can play as much as you want. After playing, if you want to learn, then study hard. Don\’t study because of guilt. As for life, there are many more interesting things than games.\” Needless to say, this cute and discerning person At first glance, he looks like a master of parenting. How to help children develop self-discipline: self-driven growth free reading mobi+epub+azw3 My reply is: Mengmeng, in fact, you can do this. First, it shows that you have strong and healthy psychological support; second, you are truly I\’ve seen through the game. Many young mothers treat this as a formidable enemy, constantly fighting and consuming their children, which makes their children more likely to become addicted. I have said that education requires courage and courage, and what supports courage and courage is understanding of reason. The truth is the way. 2. Qian Xiaoneng always tells me one thing every time he comes home now: There are four boys living in their dormitory. The other three play games and watch videos almost every day until two or three o\’clock at night. Some of them scream from time to time. He has to wear them. Anti-noise headphones can help you fall asleep. If there was a class at 8 o\’clock the next day and the three of them couldn\’t get up at all, he would have to bring them breakfast. I felt a little worried after hearing this. These must be children who have not really learned self-discipline in primary and secondary schools. They are like the many children reported every year who failed in college because of playing games.The college students took their seats directly. I really hope these children can have enough fun soon and become self-disciplined. After all, this school is basically the same in other places. The family is very proud that their child can go to Beijing to go to university, and they are looking forward to their child\’s success. 3 Two days ago, a mother who consulted me last month gave feedback: \”Teacher Mei, it\’s been a month, and I can\’t help but want to chat with you. I\’m really transforming during this time. This process is very important to me. It’s like growing pains that I have never experienced before. It’s like there is a bright lighthouse in the dark, which I also yearn for, but I am stuck in the quagmire and struggling to get out. As you said, education is simple. , it’s hard to say. It’s really hard for me. But I want to change, I’m very determined, but my understanding in this area is a bit poor, and it’s a bit difficult to do. I tried to let go, and my son’s grades plummeted as expected. . I kept forcing myself to give him freedom, as much freedom as possible. I am still not sure whether I should put away the iPad for a 10-year-old child across the board, or should I consider the iPad to be part of his life and let him operate it as he pleases. I\’m still worried about the content on the Internet. After all, we can\’t be by his side every minute. I don\’t want to keep a close eye on him. I convinced myself during this period to give him time and space, and let him spend his money on his own. (You must think this word is inappropriate. I told myself that from a certain point of view, let him learn to arrange his own life. It is all about practicing, so it is nothing. After all, I can’t bear to let the child catch the wolf. But From another perspective, I still use this word to show that I still haven’t let go completely in my heart).” My reply: Mom of so-and-so, you said that for 10-year-old children, you should put away the iPad across the board, or should you think that the iPad should also be put away? Be part of his life and let him do whatever he wants. This is a difficult point! The method you use depends primarily on you, and secondarily on your child. If you are unsure and hesitant about giving your child a mobile phone and he will gradually achieve self-discipline, I suggest you manage it in a way that is acceptable to you. If you believe it without a doubt and give the device to your child honestly and honestly, try this method. There is no definite answer as to which method of education is best. If everyone behaves the same way, then education would be too easy. 4 Let me tell you another case that I started consulting in November of the previous year. Keep it simple. When her son was in sixth grade, a mother believed in my theory and agreed to equip her son with his own mobile phone. At the beginning, the child was naturally unable to control himself. For example, he played games with his classmates without restrictions or watched videos. As the parents grew up at a rapid pace, they tried to find ways to repeatedly communicate with their children about similar problems. At the same time, they managed themselves well and looked forward to it. Indirectly affecting children, I will never confiscate my mobile phone anyway. My mother later reached a state where she managed herself well not to influence her children, but simply to make herself live a good life. The result is that at this time, the child begins to control himself. This stage lasted for half a year. In the first few weeks, my mother\’s life was basically like a year, and she could no longer hold on. In conversations with parents, what I say the most is: ifIf a child doesn\’t even have the self-control ability to use a mobile phone properly, it won\’t mean much no matter how good his grades are. A person\’s life is too long to keep an eye on him. In the end, he still has to control his life by himself. In the process of encountering various problems, making repeated mistakes, talking, reflecting, and adjusting, a primary school student slowly learns how to control his desires and how to deal with the relationship between study and entertainment. Now that the child is in the second grade of junior high school, he has become a very motivated child with strong self-planning ability. As for the free use of mobile phones? It has long ceased to be a problem. 5 Looking around, there are still many parents who guard their middle school children like thieves, fearing that they will lose their lives if they get a mobile phone. It is not difficult to see the growing gap between these two types of students in future competition and life growth. It is undoubtedly the dream of all parents that children have various abilities with the word \”self\” such as \”self-study\”, \”self-discipline\” and \”self-control\”. But if you want to cultivate it, you really need not to do everything in the learning process, take it too seriously, and provide a perfect environment. On the contrary, you must provide freedom, space and even some resistance, and dare to bear the short-term cost when necessary. Opportunities promote children’s continuous reflection and adjustment. Because the abilities of self-study and self-control are essentially the product of a difficult struggle with oneself in a state of freedom. And if parents do not have this awareness, arrange all their behaviors, and are not willing to bear any short-term costs, they will become farther and farther away from the abilities related to the word \”self\”.