Why is it that no one ever talks about the three most critical points in setting rules for children?

The matter of establishing rules should be considered a commonplace topic. However, many mothers report that they always find it hard to follow the rules. For example, if you tell your child not to throw away toys, and if they continue to throw away toys, they will not buy new toys. If the child still throws them away, it will be a shame if he doesn\’t buy them next time. For example, you have made an agreement with your child that you can only watch cartoons for half an hour at most, but , half an hour is up, and when the TV is turned off, the children are still acting up and rolling around and being unreasonable. We agreed that we can only buy 3 different snacks per person when we go to the supermarket. When we go to the supermarket, we just pull a few swipes and there are a lot of them. If we don’t buy them, we won’t leave… Why? What if something that was agreed upon in advance doesn’t work when it happens? Because I think setting rules for children is like a war without gunpowder. What it really tests is our psychology. If our psychology is controlled by children, this rule will naturally not be established. So if we want to establish rules, we still have to grasp the child\’s psychology first. The child thought: As long as I act recklessly, my mother will always let go and deal with this. When we set rules, we must take them seriously from the beginning, and once they are made, we must implement them resolutely. Let me give you an example~ There is a colleague in C’s mother’s office who used to take a bus with so many people every day. When the bus didn’t come, everyone could hold back their temper and queue up. Then, the queue got longer and longer…waiting for the bus to come. When the bus arrives, there will inevitably be one or two people who don\’t follow the rules. When the bus arrives, they jump in line and get on the bus regardless of the queue. When the people behind see it, they don\’t have to queue, and finally they all squeeze in like a swarm. Maybe everyone has worked hard to queue for half an hour, but in a minute or two it is completely different. It is not easy to maintain any kind of rules or order in life, but it is super easy to break it. The same goes for setting rules for children. When a child breaks a rule and we fail to stop or deal with it in time, it can be said that the rule will basically not be established. Why do so many children not like safety seats, but CC and DD accept them from childhood? Don\’t they feel as restrained as other children when they sit in the car seat? Are they both naturally willing to be bound? Definitely not. The most likely thing is that it must have something to do with my \”no negotiation\” attitude. DD now occasionally talks to me about the safety seat: \”If we go to the supermarket so close, we won\’t use the safety seat.\” As long as I ride in a car, I must sit in a safety seat. This has always been my unshakable bottom line. Therefore, when setting rules for your children, the most important thing is to do what you say. We must be firm in our hearts, and if we say no, we can’t, without any hesitation, because once we hesitate, it will leave a corrosive gap for the children, which will ultimately lead to the failure of establishing rules. The baby thought: This thing is too difficult, I don’t want to do it. In response to this, we can help the child break down the big difficulties and let him start with simple ones to reduce his fear of difficulties. Everyone has fear of difficulties. If others don’t tell me, I’ll tell you my own story. If writing + product selection + review… were all put together in one day, then I would have the idea of ​​destroying it directly. Therefore, this also reminds us not to be too difficult when setting rules for our children. I don’t know if you have heard of the “staircase effect”. it\’s psychologyHome D. H． An experiment that Cialdini once conducted: When he was raising funds for a charity, he said to some people: \”Even a penny is good.\” But he did not say this to other people. The end result was that the amount of money raised from those who said that was twice as much as those who didn\’t. Cialdini analyzed that when a very simple request is made to people, it is difficult for people to refuse. And when people accept simple requirements and then put forward higher requirements to them, at this time, in order to maintain the unity of understanding and leave a consistent impression on others, people are psychologically inclined to accept higher requirements. This is the \”staircase effect.\” We can also follow this effect when setting rules for our children. For example: Establish rules for children to clean up their own toys. Don’t just tell your child, “Put away all the toys you played with today.” After a child has played for a day, toys, picture books, etc. must have been thrown everywhere on the bed, floor, and cabinets. If you directly tell your child to clean up such a large area, the child will be a little clueless and not know where to start. You can try saying this to your children: Put the picture books you read today back on the bookshelf; put the building blocks back into the box; put the car you played with into the cabinet… In this way, you can break a large and difficult task into several small ones. For simple tasks, the chance of success is much higher! The same is true when changing children\’s bad habits. For example: We all know that children cannot watch TV for too long, but what should we do if they have developed this habit? If a child watches TV for 2 hours a day, we want him to watch it for half an hour. Instead of watching it for two hours yesterday, today after explaining a lot of truths, we can say to the child in a straight line: \”I\’m telling you. , starting from today, you can only watch it for half an hour every day.\” In this way, the child\’s acceptance will definitely be poor. We can start by shortening the 15 minutes every day. During the 15 minutes less reading every day, we can also accompany the child to read picture books, build building blocks or play outdoors… Wait until the child is fully adapted, and then shorten it. 15 minutes, and this has been gradually shortened to the time we want to specify. Appropriate punishment is also necessary in the process of establishing rules. Parents of our generation may know a little too much about parenting, so they are always hesitant to mention the word \”punishment\”. Not punishing is afraid of spoiling the child; punishing is afraid of leaving a psychological shadow on the child. When children make mistakes, we are always torn between the law and impunity. In fact, this is unnecessary in my eyes. 39 scientific parenting knowledge collection, be a better mother and better yourself. If children really make mistakes that touch the bottom line (such as touching sockets, touching hot water, grabbing toys), I think we don’t need to hesitate too much and punish them. There\’s nothing wrong with teaching him a lesson. Punishment here does not mean pulling the child over to yell or beat him after he makes a mistake. But for appropriate punishment, I think we can refer to the \”hot stove effect\” in psychology: that is, whoever touches a hot stove will be burned immediately. Therefore, what we have to do when punishing children is to let them know under what circumstances they will be punished – once they violate a certain ruleYou will be punished immediately. A colleague in C’s mother’s office thinks this is very useful. Their punishment rule is that once you do something that affects your own safety, you have to stand against the wall for 10 minutes. Then, after their 2-year-old daughter accidentally picked out the socket, she let her sit against the wall for 10 minutes. According to her, it is quite useful. Of course, other family members will also be punished if they make mistakes. This is also very important when setting rules for children. If parents themselves don’t follow the rules, why should they force their children to follow them? For children, it is not about having too many rules, but what is more important is that they are suitable for the child\’s age and development. If it doesn’t affect the rules on matters of principle, just give up if you have to! We must learn to grasp the big and let go of the small. We often say, \”If you give up, you will get something.\” The same applies to setting rules for children. Everything related to the baby\’s personality, conduct, behavioral habits, etc. must be strictly controlled, and other things can be happy! The fewer regulations we give our children, the easier it is to achieve the results we expect. Last but not least, the whole family must also remain unified. We can\’t change orders overnight, and we can\’t set rules in front of others, and grandparents can secretly betray them behind their backs. Mother C believes that although grandparents pamper their children, they understand better that a child who is pampered will not become a popular person, and if she is overly pampered, she will not be able to accompany her through life. Therefore, don’t forget to share your discipline methods with them. Only by having the same concept can you get twice the result with half the effort~~~