Why is the baby always being carried by the mother but not kissed?

When raising children, the most frustrating thing for parents is: \”My child is not close to me.\” The family culture we advocate always emphasizes \”father is kind and son is filial\”. This kind of \”coldness\” in children is undoubtedly difficult for us to accept. I know a mother who is deeply troubled by this problem. Since her daughter went to school out of town, she has had less contact with her. She rarely calls or makes video calls. After graduation, she stayed in the city where the school is located to work. She also tried to take the initiative to get close to her daughter, but the child was always cold and indifferent. She said a little disappointedly: \”My daughter cares more about her cats than me as her mother.\” Many parents have experienced this mother\’s distress. For some unknown reason, as our children grow up, the distance between us and them becomes farther and farther. This distance is not only spatial, but also spiritual. And all this is difficult to explain with the phrase \”children are not filial\”. The relationship between parents and children does not get worse overnight, but is the result of accumulation over time. In a child\’s childhood, even if the parents did not mean it, some actions and words did hurt him, causing disappointment to slowly accumulate. The first disappointment is when he needs your company, you are not around. A few days ago, a friend was sad because his child said \”no mother\”. His 5-year-old son did not want her to sleep with him at night and clamored for his grandma. The reason is simple: the child used to sleep with his grandma. When she first gave birth to her child, the child was very noisy at night. She had no experience in raising children, so she often couldn\’t sleep well due to the torment. The old man looked distressed, so he took the child back to his room to coax him. After going back and forth, she got used to it. In addition, after giving birth, she had to work and travel frequently, so she had less time to spend with her child. In the end, she allowed this state to continue until her child was 5 years old. As a result, the child has been very close to his grandparents since he was a child. Sometimes he will cling to his mother during the day, but at night, he will not want her. This reminds me of another true story: There was a girl who grew up with her grandmother. When she grew up, her relationship with her parents was like a wall. It\’s not that she doesn\’t love her parents, but she really doesn\’t know how to get along with them. But she was very filial to her grandma. When she was a child, she often told her grandma that when she grew up and made money, she would let her live a good life. Sure enough, my first salary after graduating from college was handed over to my grandma. In these two stories, we can find that a child\’s love is very simple. When he was a child, whoever spent the most time with him would be the most clingy and kind to him. The mother in the first story still had a chance to redeem herself, but the parents in the second story were unable to give their child any intimacy. Elderly people often say: When a child is young, it doesn’t matter who cares about it. As a result, many parents gave up their companionship during this period of time due to practical reasons. In fact, the age of 0 to 6 is an important period for children to establish an attachment relationship. They have a natural attachment to their mother. During this period, skin-to-skin contact and emotional communication play a vital role in the growth of children. Children also gain love, trust and security from this intimate relationship. As the psychologist Winnicott mentioned when talking about individual development: \”The emotional development in the first few years of a child\’s life forms the basis of individual human mental health.\” Therefore, the younger the child, the more he needsHis parents spent time and attention with him and were there for him when they needed help. Even if parents are unable to take care of their children because of life, they should still work hard to improve the quality of their companionship and cherish the time they spend with their children. The latest and most complete 2023 [Kindergarten, Junior High and High School] premium VIP course catalogs from famous teachers in various disciplines on the entire network, click to view now! When your child sticks to you and can\’t live without you, try to satisfy your child\’s early attachment. Only in this way can you establish an early sense of intimacy between parent and child, and only then can you occupy the most precious position in your child\’s heart. The second disappointment: When he needs your support, you always ignore his feelings and stay with the child. Is the child just like his parents? In some families, parents and the elderly crowd around the children, but the children still feel alienated from the adults. Madeleine Levin described it this way in her book \”Antifragile Parenting\”: \”I feel like my mother is everywhere, but everywhere.\” In life, many adults\’ lives basically revolve around their children. But the child still doesn\’t feel close. Some parents only care about their children\’s study and life, and show criticism and indifference to everything else. Children in this situation almost feel no care, and their inner feelings are always downplayed by adults. I remember a strict mother once said: \”I don\’t care if my child hates me now, as long as he can do a good job in his studies.\” What a heartbreaking sentence. We all underestimate the impact of a good parent-child relationship. Children have a natural instinct to be close to their parents. For a child to go from trusting to disappointment to indifference towards his parents, the parents only need to continue to despise his feelings. The reason why children are children is that they are in a period of extremely fragile emotions and spirits, and many complex emotions that are difficult to resolve exist in their little minds. In early childhood, they will express these emotions without reservation. However, because they are not understood and always denied, children gradually lose trust in adults. Why do many children prefer to share secrets with strangers on the Internet rather than telling them to their parents? It is because the child knows that adults will always underestimate his pain, always emphasize the importance of external achievements, think his feelings are not important, and will not understand him. For example: a child bought his favorite blind box with New Year\’s money, and an adult criticized him: \”You have too much money and no place to spend it?\” The child was afraid of seeing a doctor, and the adult shouted impatiently: \”Other children are not afraid, but you are!\” When a child gets good grades in an exam, adults don\’t praise him, but warn him: \”Keep working hard, don\’t be too lazy.\” If a child\’s feelings are always ignored and misunderstood, he will unconsciously distance himself from his parents. Due to the distance, I cannot be honest with my parents, and I will become more and more silent in front of my parents. The final result is that parents think that their children are unwilling to tell us what is on their mind; and children think that you will never understand me. The third disappointment is when children need to communicate and they cannot feel love in your tone. Children have a natural attachment to their parents. We often call this \”blood is thicker than water.\” However, it is regrettable that the closeness between children and their parents is not entirely determined by blood.Determined by fate, it also needs careful management. Many children are not close to their parents. It is not that there is no love, but that the children cannot feel the love their parents have for their children. In such a family, adults often do not pay attention to the tone of their speech, and always speak with sarcasm, impatience, command, denial, disgust, and blow… They are obviously worried that the child will catch a cold, but what they say is: \”In order to look good, wear Who cares about you with so few clothes!\” He obviously wanted his child to go home early from school, but what he said was: \”Next time you come back so late, just stay outside and don\’t come back!\” She obviously felt sorry for her child who fell and was injured, so he said But what came out was: \”You deserve it! Let\’s see how dare you run around in the future!\” In this kind of parent-child communication, children who share without reservation will always be thrown cold water on them. The hurtful words are deeper than spears and halberds, and they are all hidden wounds. They are engraved in the children\’s childhood memories and extinguish all the children\’s enthusiasm for being close to their parents. In a certain variety show, an 11-year-old boy was addicted to electronic products and did not want to communicate with his mother. When reflecting on her education, my mother said: The biggest reason is that when my son wants to say something to me, I always say to him: \”Stop talking, just listen to me.\” Responding to children with simple and crude language is actually pushing the child further. In childhood, this poor communication pattern between children and parents directly leads to the gradual indifference of the parent-child relationship in adulthood. Marshall Luxemburg, the author of \”Nonviolent Communication\” said: \”Maybe we don\’t think the way we talk is violent, but our words often cause pain to ourselves and others.\” The so-called soft tongue has no bones, but it can break the heart, That\’s the truth. For a high-quality parent-child relationship, parents must have the ability to \”speak well.\” Different families have different ways of getting close to each other. Some focus on external verbal expressions, while others focus on silent care without leaving any trace. The premise of both is a kind attitude. Only with the right attitude can our love truly reach our children\’s hearts. Click \”Like\” at the end of the article, I hope we can all become the closest people to our children.