Why is the mother/woman grumpy? Failure to change can destroy three generations.

I saw a particularly touching report: a film producer named Charlie, whose father passed away ten years ago. Back then, while cleaning out my father\’s belongings, I discovered something \”special\” – a bunch of video tape boxes with strange labels. However, the mother did not want to show it to the children. She said these relics are too \”adult\” and you are too young. He guessed that the thing was probably a \”XX video tape\”. Although he was curious, he did not pursue his mother for it. Ten years later, Charlie was already 30 years old. One day, he suddenly asked his mother about it. Unexpectedly, his mother happily gave him several boxes of videos left by his father this time. Charlie, who was in a complicated mood, opened the tape inside, but it was not what he thought: it was filled with the sounds of fierce confrontation and quarreling between a man and a woman. The man is his father Greg, and the woman is Charlie\’s grandmother. Charlie was shocked. He never knew that his father and grandma were so at odds with each other. During the quarrel, the words were full of gunpowder, which was completely different from the image of my father and grandma in my memory. Only then did Charlie\’s mother tell him that these tapes were his father\’s biggest secret during his lifetime. Charlie\’s father, Greg, was born in a middle-class family. His father was a pilot and his mother was a housewife. Others seemed very happy. But in fact, Greg\’s mother was a very grumpy and controlling person. As long as any child disobeys her, she will immediately get angry and scold all three children with extremely harsh words. One time, Greg went out with his classmates and came home a little late. He lied to avoid being scolded. Unexpectedly, his mother found out on the spot and beat him severely. The long and deep scar on his neck was caused by his mother beating him. Because of his mother\’s irritable temper, Greg and his brothers were walking on eggshells in front of their mother and had a very unhappy childhood. Greg could not understand his mother\’s temper, irritability, and harshness until he became a police officer and came into contact with psychology. By chance, Greg heard from a relative that his mother\’s father, Greg\’s grandfather, was a man with a bad temper and a strong control. He also had a serious tendency of domestic violence. When his mother was young, he often acted violently. Beat her. One time, because of a trivial matter, he actually picked up a fruit knife on the table and stabbed his mother\’s arm… This discovery shocked him. He was worried that Bu Xin\’s family would be reincarnated, and he was afraid that he would also become an irritable, irritable, and arrogant person. Scolding the child’s father! He wants to work hard to break this cycle and end family violence in his generation. So, when he got married, he reached an agreement with his wife, Charlie\’s mother: no matter what, they could not quarrel in front of the children, nor beat or scold them. We need to give our children a new family of origin where there is no beating, scolding or harm. To this end, he made great efforts to overcome his own emotional and emotional shortcomings and strive to form a harmonious and gentle relationship with his children: he taught himself carpentry lessons and machine learning.Greg repairs machinery, makes the house neat and beautiful, and hopes that the children will participate; he also takes Charlie to a small airport every week, hoping to teach him to fly a plane… Sometimes when faced with children making mistakes, Greg will also look ferocious. He wanted to lose his temper, but he used perseverance to remind himself to control it. Once he started to let his emotions run wild, it would be easy to get into trouble. So he learned to calm himself down first, and then calmly reason with his children. Even if he occasionally quarreled with his wife, he would try to control the quarrels with her. Instead, he would be the one to give in first, and would step forward to hug his wife and remind her that she could stop. However, it is really difficult to escape the influence of the original family. Greg has always been insecure, and sometimes he wants to get angry. He doesn\’t know how effective his efforts will be. So he made a decision: every time he visited his mother, Charlie\’s grandmother, he would bring a Walkman with him. Greg recorded his mother\’s angry words, hoping to warn himself not to become a parent like her; he also hoped that one day, children could listen to these tapes to remind them to work hard to be gentle parents in the future. Greg\’s efforts paid off in the end: thanks to his efforts, the children grew up well and were treated gently when they had families of their own. This is exactly what Greg expected. The family pattern full of rage, harshness, and lack of warmth has ended with him… After reading the report, I was also deeply moved by Charlie\’s father. We all know that the original family has a great influence on everyone, as deep as the bone marrow. Some people fully recognize the influence of their family of origin on them, which is passed down from generation to generation, such as Charlie\’s grandmother. And some people, like Charlie\’s father, spend their entire lives trying to get rid of the influence of their family of origin. However, it is really difficult to get rid of the influence of the original family. Just as Charlie\’s father experienced, it requires a lot of willpower and a painful struggle with oneself. This is a great inner torture. But he did it. He worked hard to create a different native family for his children, and finally broke the vicious cycle of intergenerational transmission of the irritable and irritable native family, and opened a happy life for his children and grandchildren. Having said that, on the road to raising children, who is not carrying the burden of their original family? There are no perfect parents, and there is no perfect family of origin. Every family always has problems of one kind or another. For example, parents often leave us messages: I was spanked by my mother when I was a child. After I had a child, I vowed not to spank my child, but in the end I became like my mother. When I was a child, my parents often quarreled, and my father often beat my mother. I vowed that when I grow up, I will marry and find someone who loves me. Then, I married men similar to my father twice. My mother doesn’t like close contact and rarely hugged me when I was a child. After I became a mother, I found that I didn’t like hugging my children either and was very indifferent to them. ……As these messages show, the impact of the original family on children is in all aspects. From a certain perspective, the family relationship that parents display to their children will affect their lifelong happiness. The following are several common family relationships that have a great impact on children, for parents to check for themselves: Parents who are strong on one side and weak on the other will make their children feel insecure. Wu Zetian in history was a strong woman who proclaimed herself emperor, but her sons were weaker and mediocre than the last. Strong mothers often make their children feel inferior and insecure under various constraints, making boys weak and girls rebellious. A strong father is a traditional Chinese father who may educate a son who is keen on violence and unreasonable; girls may become timid and cowardly, and may repeat the same tragic marriage pattern as their parents when they grow up. Therefore, it is crucial to create a respectful and democratic family atmosphere. The psychoanalytic theory of excessive closeness between son and mother believes that excessive closeness between mother and child may lead to a delay in the development of gender identity and sexual consciousness in boys, leaving the boy with an \”Oedipus complex\” that cannot be shaken off no matter what, imprinted in his heart, that is, Oedipus. Especially mothers who are strong and exclusive in the parent-child interaction will invest more love, expect greater gains, and the deeper the mother-child connection, which is more likely to cause the Oedipus complex. Such boys find it difficult to accept other girls when they grow up. On the contrary, the mother\’s love for the father will make the child develop a sense of \”imitating the father\”, that is, imitating the father to obtain the mother\’s love, which is helpful to alleviate the Oedipus complex. Parents who are too cold and indifferent will affect the establishment of close relationships with their children. Some couples have indifferent feelings, but maintain the name of husband and wife for many other reasons. In order to avoid quarrels, they simply suppress their emotions, avoid communication, and even become strangers. Children in this kind of family are very good at guessing adults\’ thoughts, and when they grow up, they are good at guessing the psychology of their bosses. However, they have difficulty establishing close relationships, are prone to showing weakness to others, and have no independent ideas. Family breakdown Children in single-parent families are vulnerable to the breakdown of their parents\’ marriage and are under pressure from family, school and society. If their parents are unable to get over the shadow of a broken marriage, these children may always feel disappointed, helpless, depressed, angry, resentful and hostile to their current situation. Some children have a strong sense of inferiority, their self-esteem is easily hurt, they avoid interacting with their peers, and become withdrawn and withdrawn. They tend to have poor self-control, more problem behaviors, and a subordinate position in peer groups. However, if parents of single-parent families can handle this matter rationally. For example, briefly explain to the child the reason why mom and dad divorced; emphasize that the separation is not because the child is not good or mom and dad no longer love him; tell the child that dad/mom still loves him very much… without destroying the relationship between the other half in the child\’s mind. Image can reduce the impact of single parents on their children to a great extent. Compared with single-parent families who are calm and harmonious, families that are not divorced but argue and scold all day long have a greater negative impact on their children. Children with disrupted family attachment relationships between adoptive parents and adoptive children may face interpersonal problems. Foreign scholars believe that childhood and adolescenceBeing in foster care during adulthood is a risk factor for psychological problems. If the infant is not placed in a stable family environment during the first few months of life, it is unlikely that he will be able to form an appropriate attachment to a familiar adult. Frustration of the attachment process will definitely damage the baby\’s trust and sense of security in adults. Such babies will often have interpersonal communication and adaptation problems in their subsequent lives. The complex extended family life has both positive and negative consequences for children. Extended families, that is, extended families that include not only parents and their children, but also other relatives (grandparents, aunts, uncles, aunts, etc.), are very common in China. These types of families are more complex for children\’s early development. Its impact depends on the interpersonal relationships or family atmosphere in the family. A harmonious family environment is conducive to the development of children\’s personality. On the contrary, families with frequent quarrels and disharmony will leave psychological trauma on children. In particular, parental conflict can lead to negative emotional traits in children, trigger aggressive behavior in children, and make them unpopular among peers. In short, only when family relationships are harmonious can love flow naturally. The nourishment of love will improve the child\’s personality, help the child form a sense of self-worth, and demonstrate a healthy model of intimacy and interpersonal communication for the child. Children who grow up in such a family will have higher emotional intelligence in the future and are more likely to have the ability to be happy. As parents, only by constantly being aware and growing can we provide our children with a better native family and growth background. As for how to realize and grow, I suggest parents learn some psychology; if you can\’t open your heart, you can also talk to a psychological counselor. Each of us parents should learn from Charlie\’s father and work hard to create a happier native family for our children. It may be difficult, but it is worth our efforts.