Why not reason with adolescent children

They say that being a parent is a lifelong practice. Now, I have a deep understanding of this sentence. Parents face different challenges at different stages of their children\’s growth, and the one that troubles me the most is my son who is in adolescence. If I could go back 10 years, I would never have imagined that my son, who was completely dependent on me and full of love in his eyes, would grow into the rebellious boy he is today. 01 My son is 16 years old this year. Since he entered adolescence, he has become a \”fearful\” existence to me. It\’s not an exaggeration at all, really, I\’m afraid of him. The originally well-behaved and sensible son suddenly became \”flammable and explosive\”, with angry spots all over his body. Often before I finish a sentence, I don\’t know where to poke him, and he becomes manic and yells at me. It was getting cold, so I told him to put on more clothes. He waved at me impatiently: I understand, don’t say it anymore! When his test scores dropped, I asked him to pay more attention to his studies and seize the time to study after school. Otherwise, he would not be able to get into college and would have to go to a technical school. My son stared at me with disgust: Talk about it every day! Which of your eyes saw that I was no longer studying when I came back? I\’m at this level, so what if I go to a technical school? Did you go to a good university at that time? I was angry and angry. I couldn\’t understand that my son, who I had worked so hard and put all my efforts into cultivating, was like a \”white-eyed wolf\”! \”What\’s wrong with saying a few words to you? I\’m not saying you for your own good? Look at your attitude! How many children would talk to their parents like you? Huh?\” \”Since I was a child, I have always given you the best. Okay, no matter how tired your dad and I are outside, we never let you worry! I just want to give you a good environment. In addition to academic performance, do you have any other requirements for you?\” \”We have paid so much, Do I have to look at your face every day? You don\’t even have basic gratitude and respect!\” After hearing my words, my son jumped three feet high and shouted at me emotionally: \”Look at your usual attitude towards me. , respect is mutual! Do you deserve my respect? You know how to talk about me! Can you shut up and let me be quiet for a while!\” After yelling, he rushed into his room and slammed the door. How to deal with the psychological problems of adolescent children. This loud noise completely shattered my fantasy. I used to think that as long as I communicated with my son repeatedly and never gave up, he would always understand my good intentions. But after such a long time, all I found was my son\’s growing dislike for me and my declining grades. In order to change this situation, I have made a lot of efforts and read many books, but I still can\’t change the reality of the broken parent-child relationship. Perhaps it is God\’s favor. By chance, I participated in Teacher Wang Qiuchen\’s \”Awakening the Growth Inner Power of Adolescent Children\” \”Drive\” Parent Development Course. It was also during this period of study that I gradually understood the reason why my son became so unreasonable, and successfully helped him and myself manage their emotions and temper. I also helped my son overcome his dislike of learning and find the motivation to learn. During the online Q&A session in class, I was almost in tears throughout the whole process when I told the teacher about my current situation and difficulties. The teacher revealed the essence behind the question in just one sentence: \”What\’s wrong with you?\” I often kept saying this. On the other hand, just the oppositeIt reflects the parents’ true heart and emotions. In terms of investment and attentiveness, Chinese parents are probably the parents who love their children the most in the world. No matter what the financial conditions are, no matter how much you “deprive” yourself, you will do your best to support your children and give them the best. However, material sacrifice is not everything. Only when parents are emotionally stable and have empathy can they gain their children\’s sincerity. The teacher asked me, is your usual way of raising your children \”paying money + scolding\”, giving the best materially, but when you should reprimand, you should reprimand to the death. When you scold, you always say, \”Your father and I are reluctant to part with anything. I’ve given you the best, but I can’t say anything about you anymore? What’s wrong with saying a few words about you?” I was shocked. The teacher\’s words recreated the interaction between my son and I. I indeed often scolded my children in this way. And this is the worst way to educate. \”What\’s wrong with you?\” Being able to say such a thing on your lips is a sign of control: parents do not treat their children as an independent and growing life, but treat their children as their own. private property. When children enter adolescence, they begin to slowly transition from children to adults, begin to have self-awareness, and are eager to get rid of the wishes and \”restraints\” imposed on them by their parents. They object to parents treating themselves as \”children\” and demand that they treat themselves as adults. In order to show their \”extraordinary\”, teenagers have a critical attitude towards everything, thus developing adolescent rebellious psychology. Therefore, adolescent children will develop uncontrollable rebellious psychology and begin to challenge \”authority\” – that is, their parents. At this time, it is inevitable that parents and adolescent children will have fierce conflicts. \”Then what should I do? Now my son is so out of touch that he can\’t even listen to anything I say!\” I eagerly hope that the teacher can give me a solution. The teacher said: \”There can be many methods, but the key is the core: emotional stability and knowing how to tolerate mistakes.\” The truth about family education must start with parents\’ adjustment – if you want to change others, change yourself first. I began to adjust my emotions and interaction state according to the teacher\’s guidance. First, I achieved true emotional stability. In the past, I was always affected by my son\’s state. When he was impatient, I would feel hurt and would insist on telling him where he went wrong. When he got angry, I became even more furious, thinking that he was not qualified to use such methods. Talk to your parents about your attitude. Even though sometimes I could swallow my anger and avoid fierce conflicts with my son, the suppressed emotions kept accumulating in my heart, and finally exploded in intensity during the next conflict. After the teacher’s guidance, I understood that parents’ emotional stability is the most expensive education they can give their children. At work, we rarely get angry with customers, colleagues, or bosses. Instead, we think about how to solve problems to make things better. But when I see my child, I can’t help but get angry. What should my child think? If I can\’t control my emotions and behave like an unstable \”dynamite bag\”, then the child can only follow the same example and fight back with the tip of the needle. At this time, as the teacher said, scolding the child while providing a good material life actually forms a kind of \”mental control\” that makes the childThe child\’s spirit is in a state of tension but cannot break free. It is easy to lose control of his emotions and go to extremes. This is the truth about children\’s irritability and irritability in adolescence. And I found that when I understood my son\’s psychology, no longer lost control of his emotions, and began to use a calm and accepting attitude to deal with all the negative emotions released by my son, my son also changed. He gradually became calmer and regained his rationality. He was no longer in a manic and unable to talk state, but became able to communicate. Secondly, I began to understand how to accommodate my children’s mistakes. The teacher is right, families must have a fault-tolerant mechanism. Before, I had a lot of worries: I was afraid that my children would not study seriously, I was afraid that my children would be lazy, I was afraid that my children would not get into a good university… Deep love and deep responsibility, I worried too much about my son, which made it difficult for me to tolerate his repeated mistakes. . I told my son not to play with his mobile phone all the time and spend his time studying. He agreed, but he couldn\’t do it. I asked him not to stay up late and get some rest so as not to lose energy in class, but many times I found him hiding under the quilt and playing games after turning off the lights. Every time I found out that my son had knowingly committed a crime, I would uncontrollably scold him and accuse him. After too many times, my son not only did not reflect at all, but instead acted like a \”dead pig is not afraid of boiling water\” and yelled at me, \”Stop talking.\” \”. Through communication with the teacher, I realized that no matter whether the mistake is easy or not, the child will know that he made a mistake. The difference is that error tolerance stimulates children\’s inner drive to change, while error tolerance creates external pressure. Blindly scolding and scolding will only make children mobilize all their energy to defend against pressure from their parents and show adolescent rebellion. Think about it, we parents have made many mistakes when we were growing up, and we can\’t correct them. Even now that we are parents, we still make mistakes. Why shouldn\’t children be allowed to make mistakes? This is theoretically inhumane and impossible. When I used this mentality to truly understand my son, and no longer speculated on him with the negative emotions of \”you did it on purpose,\” I found that life experience teaches children far more profound and effective lessons than parents\’ principles. One day, my son came home from school feeling very depressed. I asked him what was wrong, and my son hesitantly told me that because he and his classmate copied each other\’s homework, the teacher called him out and criticized him in class. If it were before, I would be furious when I heard the news, accuse him, and eventually a fierce mother-son fight would break out. But now, I changed my approach – I asked my son how he felt. The son replied, very ashamed. It was humiliating to be reprimanded in front of the whole class, humiliating to write for exams, and humiliating to copy homework. I say, knowing shame is close to courage. Making mistakes is not something to be afraid of. Being able to feel ashamed means that it will be difficult for you to make the same mistake again in the future. The son\’s eyes widened in disbelief and asked, \”Aren\’t you going to scold me?\” I said, Mom, at your age, you may not be able to be as introspective and brave as you are. The son lowered his head and said, I will never, ever let this shame happen to me again. I believe that this lesson will also give my son some guidance on how to make good choices in the future. After less than a month of adjustments, the results are remarkable! Our changes are verybig! First, my relationship with my son has become very good, and my son is no longer like a \”dynamite bag\”, and his life and studies are on track! I have my own plans and arrangements for my studies, and my grades are steadily increasing. Adolescent children always want to be \”fireworks of different colors\”. Children who have always been particularly obedient suddenly suddenly talk back and fight back, and often fall out with their parents over trivial matters. Children feel not understood, and so do parents. But, who makes us parents? It is our responsibility to lead our children. From the moment he first opens his eyes and is held in our arms, his role and destiny in this life are destined! Therefore, I especially understand parents who are trapped in adolescence with their children and are very willing to share their growth and gains with everyone. Adolescence is not a scourge. Just calm down and go through this inevitable growth stage with your children. Communicate patiently, listen to their inner thoughts, understand, tolerate, trust and support, experience and grow together!