Winning or losing is not important? This time I\’m going to play devil\’s advocate

I was chatting with a friend a few days ago. Her Xixi is now over two years old, and she has a problem that gives her a headache. Recently, she played children\’s board games with Xixi. The rules are very simple, that is, each person selects a shopping cart and shopping list, and then turns over the product cards in turn. If it is theirs, they put it into the shopping cart. Whoever fills it up first wins. . Naturally, the cognitive ability and memory of objects between adults and two-year-old children are definitely very different, so although she kept letting off steam, the child still couldn\’t win, and would cry when she lost. She guided her children: \”Winning or losing is not important, the process is important.\” However, it was to no avail. So, a very good board game, a good interactive time, always ended in tears, which made her afraid to play with her children now. My friend was very depressed: \”It\’s impossible to win everything. Why is this child so competitive?\” There is a parenting truth: resolve emotions first, then resolve problems. For children, the outcome of the game is not just about winning or losing. What you need to help your children deal with is their emotions. The reason why this problem cannot be solved is because the friend does not really accept and understand the child\’s emotions. Does she really think winning or losing is not important? Not really. Ask yourself, who doesn’t want to win? Who doesn’t like the positive emotions such as pride and confidence brought about by winning? It must be satisfying from the bottom of your heart. These are human nature, and they are the same for children. Winning or losing the game actually reflects the child\’s need for security and self-confidence. Children are afraid of the disappointment, regret, ridicule and other emotions caused by losing. Especially for children after the age of two, with the improvement of their sense of autonomy and the improvement of their abilities in all aspects, it is normal to want to win, because she will feel that she is great and she needs to be recognized for her self-worth. The process is very important, but when you win, you feel good, and when you lose, you feel terrible. So, winning or losing is important. First, acknowledge the emotion. Then, helping children establish a correct and healthy competitive mentality is the business. Just imagine, if you were given a child who had no desire to win or lose, would you really feel at peace? Only with a competitive spirit and goals can people be motivated to work hard and forge ahead. If a child\’s desire to win has exceeded a reasonable range, he will have an obsession: \”Only when I am first or the best, can I feel my belonging and my own importance.\” At this time, it is when we need to be vigilant key points. In fact, what we are afraid of is not that children \”always want to win\”, but that children \”cannot afford to lose.\” I experienced this when I was 6 or 6 years old. When I was a child, I played jigsaw puzzles with her to see who could finish the puzzle first, between her and Xuan Xuan. She couldn\’t beat Xuan Xuan, and she felt aggrieved at first. She even said she didn\’t like playing jigsaw puzzles because she was afraid of failure. This is what Liuliu cannot afford to lose, and it is also what I don’t want to see. I give up because I am afraid of losing. Later, I bought graded puzzles to play with her, and provided level-by-level training, which gradually eliminated her fear of puzzles. I won\’t deliberately lose to her to make her happy, but I will use 168 pieces to compete with her 88 pieces. Her win was genuine, and the joy was even more satisfying. In this way, her mentality slowly adjusted. In the process, her skills were also trained, and she would eventually win when she played with Xuanxuan again.There is nothing wrong with wanting to win, and it is normal to be afraid of losing. But \”cannot afford to lose\” may be a stumbling block that affects the normal course of our lives. Therefore, when guiding Liuliu, we understand her emotions after losing and also accept her true desire to win. Then tell her that winning or losing is not the only purpose. Winning or losing once is not the result. We can continue next time. This is more important and more effective than simply telling her \”winning or losing is not important, the process is important.\” There will always be winners and losers in this world, and children will be angry or frustrated because of winning or losing. Therefore, the process of guidance is very important. To establish a healthy competitive mentality, these four steps must be done: Step 1: Avoid over-protecting your children. My child, allow him to experience the frustration of disappointment when he loses. If a child loses, he will feel sad. Don\’t give long lectures, or say things that don\’t take you seriously, so don\’t feel bad about it. These wrong emotional guidance will prevent the child from correctly facing his emotions after losing. Instead, he will accompany him patiently and tell him: \”If you lose, you will be disappointed and sad, but this feeling is okay and will pass slowly.\” Step 2: Observe the child\’s state and try to play the game just for fun. You can make your own rules and just have fun, or play games where there are no winners or losers. A game may have many angles, and each of us can be a winner. Play cooperative games that don’t involve winning or losing. Guide children to think about self-improvement instead of blindly competing with others. So I would say to Liuliu: \”Although you lost, your performance now is much better than before.\” Children\’s purpose for winning or losing is to be recognized, so give them affirmation in the process and downplay winning or losing as the only purpose. . Completing the second step is just a good start, and the third and fourth steps are the key. Step 3: Start by letting them win, then gradually increase the difficulty. If we lose every time, it will give the child the illusion that he will always win. If he wins several times and loses several times, the child will experience failure in a safe environment, and in this step-by-step process, he will slowly strengthen his ability to deal with winning and losing. carrying capacity. For example, when I was practicing puzzles with Liuliu, I would not just let her lose, let alone let her win all the time. Use real processes to teach her how to win and lose. If you lose this time, try again and don’t suppress the sarcasm. If you win, congratulations, don’t over-hype. This step is key because effective repetition during this process can really help enhance your ability to match wins. Step 4: If the child is too overwhelmed to bear his own failure, you can suggest that he calm down. After the pause, we ask some more “what” and “how” questions. What is your favorite thing about this game? How would you rate your performance? Under such guidance, children will slowly achieve a balance between two feelings – enjoying victory and enjoying the process. This is very important and will slowly improve the child\’s ability to withstand stress and the reasonable range of his desire to win or lose. What the child cares about about winning or losing is only a superficial phenomenon, what is more important is the value recognition she wants to gain in this competition. Life is boring if you don\’t want to win. There is nothing wrong with working hard to win. What\’s wrong is not trying to winChoose the means, and if you do something wrong, you will be devastated. If you simply instill empty words like \”winning or losing is not important\”, it will not only make the children lose their drive to win, but also seriously affect the children\’s self-perception and value judgment. Every aspect of life can be a game or a competition, but not everything. We need to have the wisdom to distinguish which levels are contests and which are not. After clarifying the part of good competition, we must strive to win, because only by focusing on winning and losing can some of the most important human personality values ​​​​be produced: tenacity, courage, efficiency, confidence, etc., and only through competition can pride and humility be derived. Narrow and an open-minded attitude towards life. Therefore, we need to guide children to face winning and losing wisely instead of telling them not to value winning or losing. If your child becomes angry or frustrated because of winning or losing, tell her frankly: She wants to win and be recognized, and that’s fine. But we are not afraid of losing. We should establish a healthy sense of winning and losing in our children. Even if we lose, we can just start over. It’s no big deal.