With just one sentence, I praised my son’s self-motivation

The most discussed question in the mothers’ group is: How can we make our children listen carefully to lessons and complete their homework in time? I found that everyone\’s thinking was similar: if he didn\’t do it, we would always struggle and try to figure out why. Why don\’t you take class seriously and why do you take so long to do homework? Me too. After years of study and research, certain concepts and thinking paradigms have become routine and even subtly invaded life. When business management encounters a problem, the rational decision-making paradigm guides us to first analyze the problem, discover the cause, and then find a solution. Similarly, when faced with a child\’s behavioral problems, I will habitually analyze the cause first and then find a solution. In itself, there is nothing wrong with this idea. To take a more extreme example, when a child fails to finish his homework on time, it is impossible for us to beat and scold him without asking. But behind \”not finishing homework\”, there may be different reasons: being playful and not wanting to write, being too lazy to finish writing, having too much homework, unexpected events at home, etc. Without understanding the reason, simply and rudely beating and scolding a child based on his behavior of \”not finishing his homework\” will be ineffective and even self-defeating. This is also the main reason why the behaviorism school has been criticized. But there are also many times when it is not easy or even impossible to pinpoint the exact cause. Take for example the fact that children are not proactive and self-disciplined in learning. It is likely to be the result of a combination of factors. This makes the road to finding the cause more difficult, and it takes a lot of time, energy and resources to figure it out. If we can\’t find the reason, what should we do? Should we just give up? Recently, there was a book that helped me open up my mind. This book is \”Solution-Focused Short-term Psychological Counseling for Children and Adolescents.\” It introduces a very effective and simple psychological therapy – solution-focused brief therapy (for the convenience of everyone\’s understanding, I will call it solution-focused brief therapy below), which can not only help everyone solve psychological problems , is also suitable for ordinary families and can help children improve problematic behaviors. It no longer dwells on the cause of the problem, nor does it dwell on how serious the current problem is, because not only is this useless, but it also makes it easier for children to develop the habit of shirking responsibility. Instead, the focus is on how to “solve the problem.” For example, some parents will always criticize and complain about their children\’s various shortcomings. The more they talk, the more they complain, and it seems that the child is hopeless. When hearing this, the child will either become dejected or listen in one ear and out the other. The scolding at this time is of no use, everything is still in place. But if we change our thinking and stop worrying about the various shortcomings of our children, and instead focus on \”what changes we want our children to make,\” the problem no longer seems so hopeless, but has a turning point. We will work hard to find things we can change and get out of the predicament step by step. Next, based on my own understanding, I will talk to you about the interesting and useful core concepts of the focus solution method, as well as some relatively simple and easy methods. Only by looking forward can we create miracles and not be trapped by the past. I think the most subversive point of view proposed by the solution-focused method is:Things don\’t happen for a reason. It is actually difficult to determine the causal relationship between many problems. Many problems are even the product of interaction. The original cause evolves into the subsequent effect, and the subsequent effect becomes the cause, and the cycle continues. For example, some children lose control of their emotions easily, losing their temper, breaking down, and crying at every turn. If you look for reasons, they can list hundreds of thousands of reasons, and it is very likely that the child loses his temper, an adult reprimands him, and the child loses his temper. If you have a bad temper, you will be reprimanded by the adults again, and the cycle repeats. For another example, some children are timid and fearful because they failed to try new things or were frightened when they were young, which left a shadow and they dare not touch new things again. When he has to face new challenges and bite the bullet, it is very easy to fail, which will make him more timid in the future… These reasons have already happened and cannot be changed, so how can we guide things in a good direction? Woolen cloth? Let’s look at two different ways of thinking – problem-oriented thinking: What has troubled you very much recently? When did this problem first occur? What do you think caused it? When did you feel the problem was at its worst? Solution Focused Thinking: What can you do to feel better? When will this trouble not arise? What did you do to make the problem seem less serious? When you successfully avoid a problem, how do you do it? I believe you can clearly see the difference. When we think about these two issues respectively, our feelings and purposes are completely different. So the most important thing we should do is to change the direction and replace the questions that explore the causes of the past with questions that explore what can be done at this moment. Stop asking \”Why are you angry?\” Instead ask \”You want to express that you are sad and make yourself feel better, right?\” and then look for ways to improve your mood without losing your temper. . Don\’t ask \”Why are you so timid\”, but ask \”Do you hope that you can do well, do it right, and succeed all at once?\” and then explore how to do things well step by step. Problems also have a good side. The solution-focused method believes that the existence of a problem does not necessarily represent a weakness or a very bad thing. Sometimes it also has positive and positive functions. Maintaining a positive outlook on any problem is the key to solving it. Let me show you a very classic picture. I wonder what you see in this picture? If you choose to focus on the black part, you will see the devil; if you focus on the white part, you will see the angel. In fact, every problem, like this picture, has two sides: an angel and a demon, but many times it only seems to be the bad side. Take the most common failure as an example, whether it is a failure in a test or a failure to do things well, is it necessarily of no benefit? Former Stanford freshman dean Julie Lescott Himes once suggested that all parents teach their children that hardship is how we grow, something she called \”normalizing the struggle.\” When parents view failure as a learning opportunity rather than an embarrassment to be avoided, children are more likely to take on challenges. For example, when a child encounters difficulty in math, don’t say, “Maybe math isn’tYour strengths\”, instead you should say \”You find math difficult, which means your brain is working hard to absorb knowledge and grow.\” Another example is that children are always disobedient, constantly challenge their parents\’ authority, and sometimes even mess up things on purpose. Revenge against parents… Behind this series of behaviors, there must be important information hidden: children have the desire to express their own ideas and desire to be respected and recognized. So the next thing we have to do is to guide the children how to use more reasonable methods. way to express ourselves. If we can see more of children\’s positive strengths instead of focusing on their flaws; emphasize more on their successful experiences instead of retelling their failures; and explore more of children\’s possibilities instead of delineating their limitations. , we will find that many things become easier. Children are experts in their own problems. In fact, when solving problems, children are the experts who should be valued most, because only they know their own situation best and how to do it. Solve your own problems. We should put more emphasis on children\’s own resources and respect their own ability to solve problems. What parents have to do is to \”trigger\” their children to use their own abilities to change the status quo, rather than \”create\” changes whatever their children want. Whether the method is good or bad, we must first let the children come up with their own solutions. We can even make a list based on the methods proposed by the children, summarize the advantages and disadvantages of this method, and let the children make comparisons and make decisions on their own. It\’s called \”prioritizing awareness of one\’s own resources\” (strength awareness). For example, my second child sometimes refused to sleep at night, and I had to coax him for a long time. Later, I tried many methods, but it didn\’t work. Said: \”It\’s not good for your health if you go to bed too late every day. What do you want mom to do so that she is willing to go to bed early? Erbao thought for a while and said, \”Mom, let my brother accompany me.\” \”A few times, Dabao quickly put his sister to sleep, which surprised us a lot. In fact, the way children think and understand the world is very similar to the assumptions of the solution-focused approach. Few children want to know what caused the problem The reason is that the problem is solved through the process of constant trial-error-retry. Snowball effect, small changes have great value. Many times a child will have several problems at the same time, and even one problem is particularly complicated. If we try to solve too many problems at once, we will be in a hurry, and we will add new problems because of big changes. At this time, we need to start from a simple and easy place. Start with small changes, and things will progress. It is smoother and easier to succeed. For example, for a primary school student, the goal of \”trying to pass a unit test within a month\” is far more practical than the goal of \”getting into a good high school in a few years.\” The former can be taken immediately and then. The key is that the successful experience of the former is very important for children to have the confidence and strength to deal with more difficult problems, so that they can change completely. Reduce children’s uneasiness and resistance to “change”. For example, if you want your children to develop a good habit of reading, it is unrealistic to directly say how many books to read in a certain period of time, especiallyIt is even more difficult for children who don’t like reading. This is like telling an obese person that if you want to lose weight you should run at least 10 kilometers a day and reduce your food intake by half. It can easily scare the person away. The correct approach is to start with the short materials that the child is most interested in (such as newspapers, magazines, or even instructions for his favorite toys), so that the child can get used to reading text first, and then read short articles and books. This power of changing small things, like \”a drop of water piercing a stone\”, will eventually lead to a big leap. Find the exception, and the solution lies in it. Ms. Insoo, one of the founders of the Focus Solution method, set the white part of the \”Yin Yang Tai Chi fish shape diagram\” as \”the situation when the problem does not occur\” and the black part as \”the situation when the problem does not occur\”. \”The situation when the problem occurred\”. Generally, when we want to solve a problem, the usual approach is to start with the black part and try to think about how to reduce the black part as much as possible. The focus solution method is to start from the white part, and think about how to work hard to expand the white part. Because \”the entire system is fixed and balanced. Once the white part expands, the black part will naturally decrease. Therefore, once the white part expands, the entire system will change.\” Therefore, no matter how small the white part is, no matter how \”accidental\” or \”exceptional\” it is, it should still receive enough attention. We can look carefully and try to find our children’s “highlights.” There is a classmate in Dabao\’s class who is always naughty and does not follow discipline, but he never makes trouble in science class. The head teacher learned that the science teacher often asked the child questions in class and would also carefully guide the child how to do experiments. The child thinks that other teachers dislike him, but only the science teacher respects and recognizes him. He asks relatively simple questions and can answer them correctly. So after the class teacher communicated with other teachers, all the teachers would ask the child some simple questions in class, and soon this classmate Dabao no longer caused trouble in class. In fact, to put it simply: when educating children, do more if it is useful, and stop if it is not useful. My second baby sometimes doesn\’t eat well and can\’t sit still at the dinner table. I find that if I serve her less, she can finish it faster without running around. Sometimes she will take the initiative to ask for more. This method is effective. But if I yell at her, \”Why do you have so much trouble eating? Sit down and don\’t move around until you finish eating. Those who don\’t eat well are bad children!\”, she won\’t be moved at all and will just keep wandering there. If I don\’t eat well, I know it\’s ineffective and I won\’t yell anymore. We can regard these rare \”accidents\” and \”exceptions\” as the seeds of \”miracles\”, which also need to be watered carefully by us in order to bear beautiful fruits. Advantages are formed through precise praise. In addition to the concept of subverting thinking, the solution-focused method also proposes some highly practical techniques. Among them, there are two methods that I find particularly admirable: evaluation inquiry and motivational encouragement. Scaling questions: Scaling questions use numerical measures (e.g. 0 – 10) to put the most desiredSet the achieved positive goal at 10 points, and then determine how many points you have achieved now and what you need to do to improve by 1 point. In this way, it can help children to concretize some abstract concepts, so as to have a clearer understanding of their current status, expected future status, and the degree of change. For example, for the procrastination in doing homework, let the children rate it on a scale of 1 to 10, and set the specific status of each score: 10 points is a very ideal and perfect status: for example, it is very difficult to do homework. Smooth, relaxed, focused, and able to complete homework quickly; a score of 1 is the completely opposite situation: for example, always writing and stopping, getting bored after writing for a while, always getting stuck, and even if you encounter a question that you don\’t know, you can\’t write You can\’t finish it until late at night without sleeping. Then let the children evaluate where they are now and think about – how to maintain the current score without making the score get lower? How would you be different if it increased by 1 point? This method can be applied to almost anything and can well guide children to take the initiative to examine and think. Cheerleading means that we can express our support and encouragement to our children with an excited and joyful tone and expression. Empower children and strengthen their motivation to continue taking positive actions. To put it bluntly, it is just praising children, but there is a way to praise this, and it is not just a boast. This kind of praise must be a kind of appreciation that comes from our hearts and comes from our feelings. If we exaggerate as if we were acting, it will be useless no matter how gorgeous our words are. After all, the baby is not stupid, but may feel disgusted and aggravate the bad mood. Encouragement can be: When a child creatively proposes a solution to a problem, we can say: \”This idea is really creative! The fact that you can think of this method shows that you are very attentive! If you are so attentive, you will definitely be able to overcome difficulties!\” When a child does not When we refuse to admit defeat and are willing to work hard again, we can say: \”It\’s really not easy for you. Not everyone can do this. You are great!\” When children talk about their previous successful experiences, we can say: \”Look, sometimes you successfully solve the problem! This is really great!\” When the child makes progress, we can say: \”You have made great progress! Has anyone said this to you? Who first Discovered your progress? What did he say? How did you feel at that time? \”It must be noted that we only praise the event itself and do not add additional purposes, such as \”You worked hard, but if you can …it would be even better.\” Such compliments make people feel uncomfortable. There is a very useful formula for motivation and encouragement: name + specific good behavior + parents’ feelings and affirmation + heuristic reflection/encouragement. For example: Dabao, you completed your homework quickly and independently today. Mom is so happy. You are so happy. Awesome! How did you do it? You are becoming more and more independent! Erbao, you ate well by yourself today. Mom is so happy. You are so awesome! How do you eat so well? Once I tutored Dabao to learn a mathematical concept that had not been taught in class. This content was indeed a bit difficult, and Dabao became impatient while trying to learn. ThenI suddenly remembered that Dabao always did very well when playing Logic Dog before, so I said to him: \”Look, you did very well when playing Logic Dog before, especially when you encountered questions that you didn\’t know, you persisted in thinking. , Don’t give up, it’s really great. The questions this time are actually not as complicated as logic. You can definitely do it.” Dabao’s feeling of escaping has eased a lot. Although his motivation has not suddenly become high, he is still willing to continue. Learn the concepts. Evaluation inquiries and encouraging encouragement can be used in combination. Whenever a child improves his score level, reasonable praise and encouragement can be used in a timely manner to stimulate the child\’s motivation for continuous improvement. In fact, a little difference and a little progress in life can be the beginning of solving problems, because a small step is always better than standing still. You can try to use the focus solution method in the future, I believe you will get unexpected results ~