Yelling is a chronic poison that extremes children\’s psychology

\”I may be the most failed parent in the world.\” \”This is my child, what on earth am I doing.\” \”…\” Every time I yell at my child, I will regret and blame myself. You have said this again and again, but the child still makes all kinds of noises. At first, you suppress your temper and talk nicely, but in the end, the child refuses to listen to you at all, and makes troubles in all kinds of ways. Finally, I raised my voice again, reluctantly shouting to stop it all. The child was frightened, his face was full of grievances, and we ended unhappy. The words that come out of your mouth are often the most hurtful. Recommended popular science books: My first set of children\’s encyclopedia introduction, all 12 volumes of phonetic notation, full color pdf + azw3, the cost of roaring is extremely low, it does not require the slightest knowledge of parenting, and there is no money consumption. It only requires the savings of a day. You can use your children as an outlet to vent your grievances in life. Over time, it is not just parent-child issues, but has risen to affect the child\’s entire life. Psychologist Freud said that psychological trauma in adults is caused in childhood. Yelling is a chronic poison that can radicalize children\’s psychology. A study by American sociologist Maury Strauss showed that 90% of parents have yelled at their children when it comes to problems in getting along with their children. What will happen to the children who come out of this yelling education system when they grow up? They can be divided into the following: 1. Inferior self-esteem and sensitive parents, as the children\’s trustworthy people and the closest people, yell for a long time and deny the children\’s behavior and thoughts; For immature children, it is tantamount to a kind of language imprisonment. As a result, children will become cautious, afraid to express themselves, have low self-esteem and are sensitive, and are afraid of being punished by others. 2. Retaliation Psychologist Dr. Susan Forward said: \”Children cannot distinguish between facts and jokes. They will believe what their parents say about them and turn it into their own ideas.\” Parents are their children\’s first teachers. Whatever their parents do, their children will follow suit. Children who have been exposed to verbal violence for a long time will become mentally distorted and rebellious. When encountering a problem, the first thing they think of is to use yelling, violence and other means to deal with it, and they become violent and arrogant. Moreover, if you yell too much, your children will think that you have no other choice but to yell, and they will take their parents less and less seriously. There is a term for this behavior in psychology called the \”over-limit effect.\” In 2014, the Wall Street Journal conducted a survey of 976 children and parents, which showed that children who have lived in a yelling education for a long time are more likely to have behavioral problems and depression when they grow up. According to a 2018 report by the United Nations Children\’s Fund, children who are beaten, scolded, and yelled by their guardians during their growth stage have a 79.25% chance of developing low self-esteem, and their crime rate is as high as 42.59%. There is no problem with yelling education in the short term, but once you look at the path of children\’s growth, every distortion of the trajectory basically comes from your furious yelling. Children\’s psychological extremes are never inherent in them. Why You Can’t Yell at Your Children When faced with oppressive things, the human brain will have an instinctive reaction of escaping. Children generally respond to yelling warnings from parents.He said he would choose to compromise as soon as possible. This kind of compromise is more accurately a kind of surrender. Long-term mental oppression can easily cause children to lose confidence and even cause irreversible damage to the brain. Martin A. Teicher, associate professor of psychiatry at the top psychiatric hospital in the United States affiliated with Harvard Medical School, believes that parents yelling at their children for a long time will indeed change the children\’s brains and affect their intelligence. Teicher\’s team analyzed the brains of adults who had been exposed to verbal violence from their parents (yelling, name-calling, etc.) and found reduced connections between Wernicke\’s area (mainly responsible for understanding spoken language) and their prefrontal lobes. The fewer connections there are, the worse a person\’s ability to understand speech. Teicher said: \”I think these people have not developed their language potential.\” Children need a healthy and peaceful environment for free development. Many times, children are not really \”stupid\”, but have been subjected to long-term verbal violence and habitual denial of their children\’s abilities. Thoughts and behaviors, thereby killing the child’s precious talent. According to Dr. Laura Markham, author of \”Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Communicating\” and founder of the American Heart Association, family members yelling at their children over a long period of time can have a negative impact on their brains and It has a negative impact on the spirit, brings double pressure, and may even change the original good thoughts, isolate communication with parents, and form a self-enclosed mentality. Dr. Markham said that while parents who yell are not destroying their children\’s brains per se, they are changing their brains. For example, if a child is mentally comfortable, the brain\’s neurotransmitters respond by releasing soothing biochemicals, and the child\’s sense of security increases. In 2018, Rachel Romeo\’s team from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology confirmed in experiments that after a child is born, early language exposure will have certain effects on the structure of the brain, especially the areas that manage language. The team selected 40 healthy children aged four to six who were born at full term and performed MRI scans of their brains. It was found that children who communicated frequently with their parents had more white matter in the brain areas specialized in managing language output, that is, speaking, than children who communicated less. The amount of white matter in the brain will affect the child\’s language expression. In turn, it was concluded that yelling at children frequently will cause them to lose the opportunity to express themselves, imprison their freedom of thought, and significantly reduce the activity of their brain\’s white matter, thus affecting their language ability. In parent-child communication, using positive behaviors to guide children is the correct education. Blindly \”yelling\” education, educating with a look-down attitude, reprimanding orders, yelling and scolding will only make children nervous and anxious for a long time. , a submissive mental state. The spirit and thoughts are greatly affected, which is not conducive to the healthy mental development of the child. Let’s take an example from my side. My neighbor is a teacher. He doesn’t have a very good temper, but I’ve never seen him yell at any children. He also treats children in the same way. I once visited his house and was sitting in the living room chatting with the neighbors. His child, Xiao Zheng,She ran out of the room with a face full of joy, \”Mom, mom, come and see.\” I followed over and saw that the walls were all messy paintings painted by children. At that time, I thought, if this was my child, he would definitely not be able to resist doing it. The neighbor said: \”It\’s pretty good, but it\’s a little less interesting. The paintings on the wall need professional brushes to look good. You practice with crayons in a book first, and I will buy you a professional brush. You can paint on the wall as you like.\” \”I don\’t, you can buy it for me now.\” \”You can buy it. There are only so many walls at home. Do you want to leave the best painting, or do you want to paint it on the wall that doesn\’t look good? ?\” The child thought for a moment, then took the picture album to draw pictures. Later, after I developed the habit of drawing in a painting book, I naturally forgot about my habit of scribbling on the wall. You don\’t need a hurtful word to make your children follow you contentedly. This is also using an effect in psychology – the increase or decrease effect. That is to say, start by talking about some minor problems that have nothing to do with dignity, and then fully praise the child. The sense of gap between first being demoted and then being praised will make the child feel affirmed. At this time, he will listen to whatever you say. Instead of yelling at children in vain and restricting their intellectual and psychological development, it is better to understand children\’s needs scientifically and rationally so that they can grow up healthily. How to guide and communicate with children correctly 1. Avoid the escalation of conflicts. Parents yelling at their children is caused by two aspects: one is internal factors, which are cumbersome work and resentment in life. One is external factors. The child jumps up and down and does not eat or sleep on time. Once these two factors are about to trigger your explosive point, you need a relatively quiet place (balcony, outside your home, your own room) to transfer and reduce your anger; then self-soothe your emotions, sort out the causes and consequences of the matter, and your child\’s behavior The reason and purpose (this will also make it easier to communicate with the child next, instead of being indifferent). 2. When communicating with children, use the \”Haiwo Tower Chat Method\”, which means close to the English word fellowship, that is, partnership. This learning method is usually done in pairs, analyzing or learning a certain issue by asking questions, answering questions, dialogue, and discussion. For example: your child broke the crystal ball that was a token of love between you and your husband, just because he thought the little princess in the crystal ball was pretty and wanted to take it out. \”What happened?\” (Proactively ask questions and let the child express the event without making qualitative comments first) \”Why do you want this little princess?\” \”This crystal ball is very important to mother. If your most beloved What will happen to you if your toy is broken by your mother?\” (Causing children to think and allowing them to think openly) The correct communication method can most directly understand the child\’s thoughts and stimulate the child\’s ability to express thoughts and words. Parent-child Relationships also bear fruit step by step through effective communication. 3. Use the multiple-choice method to guide people. Once faced with two multiple-choice questions, they will choose the best. It is difficult to jump out of the frame and think of the third, fourth, and fifth choices. Therefore, when children are noisy, it is also a way to give them two options to guide them.. For example, if a child procrastinates on homework, you can say: \”Finish your homework first, and you can play whatever you want with the rest of the time, or watch TV for half an hour, and the rest of the time can only be used for studying.\” When a child complains about too much housework, you can say : \”Then you go wash the dishes, and mom will mop the floor, or you go do the laundry, and mom will wash the dishes.\” If your child doesn\’t go to bed on time, you can say: \”If you don\’t go to bed, you won\’t have to listen to the bedtime story today. We can only tell the continuation of the story tomorrow.\” Throwing the question to the child also exercises the child\’s decision-making ability. Using the two-choice method also better guides the child\’s choice and effectively reduces the child\’s various noisy . 4. I can’t hold back my yelling. Remember to apologize. We parents also have emotions, but educating with emotions is a failure of education. If we can\’t hold back and really yell at our children, it\’s time to let go of our parental attitude. Apologizing is not a shameful thing, but the most powerful glue to mend the parent-child rift. There are no perfect children, nor is there a universal education book. We are not perfect parents, but we have been practicing on the road of parenting, just to give our children better education and more perfect values. As it was said in the book \”Positive Discipline\”: The most extreme education is to neither punish nor pamper children, but to teach them values, social skills, and life skills in a kind and firm atmosphere.