Yi Nengjing was criticized by her son: What kind of parents can raise independent children?

In the second issue of \”City of Fantasy\”, Yi Nengjing talked about the quarrel with her son. His son wanted to take an editing class, but Yi Nengjing wanted him to take a screenwriting class. Unexpectedly, he was rejected by his son: You tell me what you know. How do you know that what you know is everything? And I know what you don’t know, you haven’t been to my future. After listening to her son\’s tongue-twisting words, Yi Nengjing immediately woke up as if she had been \”hit with a stick.\” Yes, we often unknowingly impose our own wishes on our children, as if we have been there and have more experience. But we forget that we have never walked the road of children, we don’t know what will be on the road, and our experience may not be applicable. In life, we often meet people with strong opinions. They clearly know what they want and what they don’t want, know how to choose, and can bravely bear the consequences of their choices. In the past few days, an unusual academic master, Li Yifeng, has become a hot search topic. Because he didn\’t like his major, he dropped out of the University of Science and Technology of China and repeated his studies. This year he got a good score of 712 points. But surprisingly, he gave up Peking University, Tsinghua University and other prestigious schools and chose Sichuan University. Someone asked him if he regretted his choice. He smiled and said: I never seem to regret it. No matter how you go, there is always a way to go. So far, I have no regrets. Perhaps in the eyes of many people, his choice is different from ordinary people, but being able to make such a choice is a kind of assertion in itself. Similarly, we often see people who have no independent opinions and find it difficult to make decisions no matter what they encounter. I especially like to listen to my parents. I will do whatever my parents ask me to do, even if I don’t like it, I won’t resist. In fact, a person is not born with an independent opinion. Whether or not he has an independent opinion is closely related to his parents\’ education. Children who have been accustomed to being controlled by their parents since childhood will find it difficult to have their own opinions when they grow up. Having an opinion ultimately means having the ability to make choices. Whichever life you choose, you have to bear the consequences. We make choices every day and are responsible for our choices. From a psychological point of view, assertive people are more likely to make appropriate choices, are better able to face difficulties and setbacks in life, and thus take their own path in life. Someone asked on Zhihu: What does it look like to have no opinion? Someone answered this way: First of all, I am very dependent on my behavior. I have to ask others about everything I encounter, and I am too lazy to use my brain to think. Secondly, the language is vague and cannot express clearly what one thinks. Sometimes there is ambivalence, and sometimes it is difficult to make a choice. Thirdly, in terms of personality, they are usually easy-going and easy to get along with, but they do not have their own personality. They do things casually, follow trends easily, and do not know how to reject others. Finally, psychologically, I care a lot about other people\’s opinions, and it is easy to shake my own thoughts. I always stop my thoughts with someone else\’s words, and I always feel that other people\’s opinions are better than my own thoughts. People who have no independent opinions find it difficult to control their own lives and experience happiness. Alfie Cohen said in \”Unconditional Parenting\” that the way children learn to make good decisions is by making decisions, not by following arrangements. If you want your children to have their own opinions, parentsThe mother should let go and give the child the right to make decisions, allowing him to choose, decide and take responsibility for himself. On Mrs. Thatcher\’s fifth birthday, her father told her that people must have their own opinions and use their own brains to judge right and wrong, and not follow what others say. This life motto of my father played a very important role in making the Iron Lady a unique woman in history. So, as parents, how can we raise assertive children? Being obedient is not a necessary quality for good children. Our Chinese parents like obedient children very much. Such children are worry-free and will not get into trouble. But children who are too obedient are easy to follow blindly and find it difficult to have their own thinking and judgment. Wang Renping, a famous parenting blogger, said that obedience is not an essential quality for good children, but independent thinking is. I have been an obedient child since I was a child. I will definitely do whatever my parents ask me to do, and I will never do anything my parents don’t ask me to do. Even if he is unwilling, he will not resist at all. Although being obedient got me approval from my parents, I knew that I was not happy. Therefore, after having a child, I never regarded obedience as a requirement for him. He can have his own opinions and opinions. But surprisingly, he listened very well to what I said. When parents do not have to obey and control their children, children can develop their own thinking and judgment. Education expert Yin Jianli said that instead of asking children to listen to their parents, it is better for parents to listen to their children more. In this way, children can feel the respect and trust from their parents and be better able to form their own judgments. Be a \”hands-off shopkeeper\” According to the American \”Youth Weekly\”, the various negative phenomena displayed by children in their early adulthood are directly related to their parents\’ unwillingness to let go. There is a type of \”helicopter parent\” who controls and takes care of everything for their children. From what they eat and wear to what they learn and don\’t learn, the parents have the final say. The result is that when the time comes for the child to make a choice, he doesn\’t know how to choose. If this continues, many baby boys and girls will be born. In fact, starting from the age of two or three, parents can let their children make their own choices. Even something as small as getting dressed is a good opportunity to practice your children\’s self-selection. Actor Bao Lei said that her daughter Belle began to have ideas about the clothes she wore when she was about 4 to 5 years old, and she developed a little princess complex. So when shopping, Bao Lei respected Belle\’s opinion and let her choose her own clothes. One day last month, my son was going to learn Taekwondo. It was very hot, but he insisted on wearing long-sleeved clothes. I couldn\’t get him to do that, so I had to let him wear it. When I came back, I was sweating profusely. Seeing him like that, I didn\’t say anything. The next day, I went wearing short sleeves. In fact, the child understands that whatever he chooses, he must bear the consequences. As parents, we try not to interfere in our children\’s choices as long as it is not a matter of principle. Of course, we must also tell him that as long as he chooses, he must bear it. This is a process that everyone must go through. Encourage children to express themselves bravely. Many children have no opinions. Another important reason is that parents do not let their children express their opinions.No matter what the child says, the parents think that he is still young and does not understand at all, and will not listen to the child\’s explanation. As time goes by, the children simply stop talking and let their parents control them. Even if the child is unwilling, he will not refuse. This will easily form a \”pleasant personality\” and make it difficult for the child to feel happy. In the variety show \”Child\’s Talk\”, Amy Zhao Xuanying did not dare to touch the things in the horror box, but she was afraid that her mother would disappoint her, and she was so anxious that she almost burst into tears. Seeing this, Sa Beining asked her if she was scared? If you are afraid, you can choose to give up. Finally, under the guidance of Sa Beining, she admitted that she was scared and gave up playing the game. Seeing her daughter express her feelings, the mother also breathed a sigh of relief and felt very comfortable. When we can let children express their thoughts through small things, when children grow up and face important choices in life, they will know how to choose. Psychologist Zeng Qifeng said in a letter to his daughter that one of the beautiful things about life is that you often need to make choices, and you don’t know in advance whether your choice is the best. This kind of \”adventure\” feeling will greatly increase the fun of life. Dear child, the road to life is long and difficult, and you need to make countless choices along the way. Some choices may not turn out so well, but they are an essential part of life experience. And these choices need to be decided by yourself. Mom and dad will give you guidance, but they cannot replace you, because everyone needs to walk their own path.