You blocked the child\’s mouth with your own hands, but complained that he had nothing to say to you

have you eaten? –have eaten. Dress warmly. –knew. Don\’t be tired. –Um. In addition to forced marriage and induced birth, when your daily conversation with your child only consists of these three sentences, you have to think about whether you are a successful parent. A few days ago, a mother left a message for me in the background, and her words were very anxious. Her daughter is in junior high school. Starting from this semester, she always makes troubles and doesn\’t go to school because of trivial matters. As a result, she falls behind in her homework and complains that her parents don\’t care about her. Speak well, but if you don\’t listen, you\’ll find it annoying. To put it a little seriously, I was pushed back and my relationship with my parents was very tense. From the mother\’s description, we can feel the girl\’s ambivalent mentality: she rejects her parents, but she also longs for care. I want to study hard, but I am unable to do so because of some problems. This twisted state made her irritable and had nowhere to vent. I asked the mother if her child had encountered any problems at school recently. She said she also had suspicions, but couldn\’t ask anything. The mother and daughter could hardly communicate, and after barely speaking a few words, the daughter impatiently locked herself in the room, leaving the mother to speculate in every possible way, observing the situation, but unable to do anything. I have received many similar messages. Most of the children with these problems are middle school students. The problems are similar: they do not go to school, their grades have dropped significantly, their tempers have become withdrawn and irritable, and they have almost no communication with their parents… The parents are worried and anxious, but they are helpless. , because I can’t figure out what happened to the child and what he is thinking. What happened to this child? what do I do? These are two questions these parents often ask. However, in my opinion, the really important question is: How did the relationship between parents and children get to this point? In other words, how do children and parents become so speechless? Coincidentally, another mother’s message answered this question from one side. Boys aged five or six like to stop young girls. When they see an aunt wearing stockings, he always likes to hug her legs. This made the mother feel ashamed and angry. Criticism and education didn\’t work. She didn\’t know what to do. She even wondered if there was something wrong with her child\’s psychology. I asked, have you discussed this issue with your children? Have you ever asked him why he wants to do this? How does it feel to do this? The mother said that she was not in the habit of communicating with her children. She was already very tired from her busy schedule and had no time to talk to her children about these things. Busy is a terrible excuse. It can only show that this matter is not important in a person\’s value concept. It can only mean that washing, cooking, and cleaning up the housework are more important than understanding the child\’s heart. When your child is five or six years old, you feel there is no time or need to communicate with your child. When your child is fifteen or sixteen, if you want to communicate with him, he has already closed his heart to you. The cause planted at the age of five or six does not take long to bear fruit ten years later. So, when you complain that your child doesn’t tell you anything, do you realize that you have closed the door to your child’s heart with your own hands? Upon closer inspection, these parents are in two situations: they don’t do what they should do, and they do what they shouldn’t do. What should be done is not done – many parents themselves have no awareness of communication. They are not good at or embarrassed to express their feelings, and they don\’t know how to listen – deep down, they don\’t feel that this matter is important. Go deeperDig, maybe subconsciously, these parents think that their children are an appendage of themselves. When a child has a problem, it\’s just like something that breaks and needs to be repaired. Just solve the problem and there\’s no need to talk about feelings or feelings. No matter how young your child is, he or she is a person, someone different from you, with thoughts and feelings of his own. You have to communicate to understand what he is thinking. If your child does not develop the habit of communicating with your child when he is young, and does not form a frank and accepting communication atmosphere, then as your child grows older, his heart will slowly close to you. You can no longer see his inner world and know his inner conflicts and entanglements. For a child, when he encounters a problem, he instinctively hopes to get help from his parents, but because he has no habit of communicating, he does not know how to say it, or is too shy to say it, so he can only struggle to save himself in the inner conflict. Doing what you shouldn\’t do – Many parents misunderstand the meaning of communication and believe that effective communication can only be achieved by giving judgments, suggestions, or even accusations to help children improve. These parents only see the \”things\” and do not see the children behind the things, nor the children\’s inner feelings. My friend\’s child is in high school, and the school requires every student to take a dance class, and he chose ballroom dancing. After two lessons, the young man came back and told his mother: He was too nervous to dance with girls. He didn’t know where to look and felt embarrassed wherever he looked. His friend enlightened him: This is all normal. Young people should slowly learn to interact with different people, learn to overcome nervousness, and be more generous… Balabala talked for a long time. The son listened silently for a long time, and finally said: \”Mom, I understand all these principles, and I also know what to do. In fact, I just want to talk to you about this matter. You just need to listen.\” The friend was stunned. Then he realized that he was too anxious. When you are anxious and worried, it is easy to judge and make suggestions. My friend has studied psychology, pays attention to observation and reflection, and has a good relationship with his children. However, when her son encountered problems, her psychology background was no longer useful, and she couldn\’t help but teach her son earnestly as an experienced person and as a parent. Fortunately, under the influence of the mother, the child has a high emotional intelligence and is good at expressing his feelings, so he can say the above words. If it were a mother and son, the situation might be as follows. The child impatiently interrupted his mother: \”I know! I know!\” As for the mother, she felt very embarrassed: \”I said so much, isn\’t it for your own good? I became impatient when I said it. What can you say about what I usually say? How much do you listen to?!\” The child thought to himself: \”I just wanted to share this matter with my mother, but in exchange for this nagging and accusation, it seems that it is better to say less in the future.\” Similar things happened several times, It will be difficult for you to hear your child\’s voice anymore. We communicate with others and expose our hearts to others in order to gain understanding and acceptance. Who wants to be judged, blamed, and beaten down? Who wants to be told that you\’re not good enough or that you\’re not good enough? Not to mention the person closest to him. Instead of doing this, it is better to wrap up your heart to prevent it from being hurt. The same goes for children. So, how to protectHow about maintaining smooth communication with your children? It’s simple to say: do what you should do, don’t do or do less of what you shouldn’t do. 1. Develop the habit of communicating with your children from an early age. The friend mentioned earlier paid attention to cultivating this habit when his children were very young, and the atmosphere of frank communication between mother and child has always been maintained. Not long ago, when the child received a confession from a girl for the first time, he would also share his excitement, nervousness and confusion with his mother. I\’m doing this consciously too. For example, when having dinner, I will suggest that everyone talk about the happy things they encountered during the day, or the things that left a deep impression on them. Orange likes this moment very much, he can use this to understand what the adults are doing. Expressing ourselves in front of children is also a useful exercise for us adults who are used to being reserved. 2. Learn to truly listen and pay attention to your child’s feelings, not just things. Happiness, grievance, anger, worry, fear, sadness, uneasiness… these are all common feelings for children. When your child tells you something, can you see his feelings behind it? Try to let go of preconceived suggestions, accusations, and judgments, learn to put yourself in someone else\’s shoes, and feel what your child needs most right now. (For specific methods, you can read the previous article \”Why can\’t you get into the child\’s heart? Because you don\’t know how to listen.\”) All expressions are to gain the understanding and acceptance of the other party. Ask yourself, do you understand and accept it? 3. Talk about your own feelings and encourage your child to talk about his feelings. Really effective communication is emotional communication. Only by learning to be aware of your own feelings can you see your children\’s feelings. Many mothers say that they are fine at ordinary times, but when they are exhausted physically and mentally, it is difficult to control their temper, and they will yell at their children over the smallest things. Then, try telling your child: \”Mom is very tired now, can\’t control her emotions, and is worried that she will get angry at you again. Give her some time and rest. Once her energy is restored, she will be less likely to get angry.\” In the eyes of a child, a mother who expresses herself calmly and a mother who yells at every turn teach him different things. I forget when Orange learned to express her feelings. He would say: I\’m feeling a little down right now. I asked him: How can it be better? He thought about it and said: I want you to spend more time with me, or let\’s play a game together. I\’m delighted with the transformation of the orange. In my opinion, expressing feelings is the only way to each other\’s inner world. Of course, it is impossible to expect your children to talk to you about everything. Everyone has their own secret garden. I just hope that when your children encounter problems or difficulties, they will think of you for help. Rather, I would rather be trapped in the entanglement and pain, fight left and right, and have a bloody head than reveal anything to you. I just hope that when your children grow up, you can candidly exchange your views on life and get emotional comfort. For children, this is a long-term companionship, and for parents, why not?