You can tell whether your marriage is good or not by looking at your children.

Happy marriages have the same happiness, and unhappy marriages have their own misfortunes. But for children, the process of growing up only happens once. How does the family atmosphere subtly affect a child\’s personality? When parents are in marital crisis, how can they minimize the harm to their children? At the niwo online meetup, senior psychologist Dong Rufeng gave the answer. Teacher Dong has been engaged in counseling for more than ten years and has dealt with many psychological problems of children from divorced and remarried families. He pointed out: Most of the causes of children\’s problems lie with their parents. The quality of parents\’ marriage affects their children\’s life. How does the relationship between husband and wife affect children? In many consultation cases, we have observed a \”perverse phenomenon\” – the husband and wife care about the children, and the children care about the family. Please pay attention to this sentence and see what\’s wrong? When a family puts its children first, the probability of children having problems is higher. The \”critical period\” for putting children first is before 1.5 years old. From now on, please do not cultivate \”little emperors\”. There is an 11-year-old child who suffers from depression. Doctors discovered through interviews that the child fell into depression when his parents quarreled. The parents stopped arguing and took their children to seek medical advice, and the children got better. Then his parents ignored him and started arguing. This cycle repeats. This is a typical \”parents care about their children, and children care about their families.\” The child has functional depression based on \”compensatory psychology\”. The scary thing is that if this state continues for six months and a year, the child\’s condition will be difficult to adjust. Children rely on their parents, so they instinctively hope for family harmony. Therefore, in addition to \”compensation\”, they will also \”attribute\” their parents\’ relationship and feel that their parents\’ divorce is related to them. Before a child is 3 years old, he will use a \”delusional mechanism\” to understand the world. Children in this period are very weak, but they will have a sense of omnipotence, thinking that their own power has caused discord between their parents. Children at this stage are establishing a \”security\”, and if not handled properly, it can easily make children timid. Between the ages of 3 and 6, it is the \”fantasy\” attribution mechanism. For example, they will imagine that they have Doraemon\’s pocket. If there is a problem in the relationship between husband and wife, the child will also fantasize about some ways to solve it. If it is ineffective, the child will have a strong sense of frustration, which will hinder his ability to build self-confidence and self-esteem in the future. Children between the ages of 6 and 12 enter the stage of the \”ideal\” attribution mechanism. A poor relationship between parents at this stage will affect the child\’s \”sense of reality\” and affect the child\’s ability to adapt to and contact society. Generally, we recommend that if parents divorce, it is best to wait until the child is 13 years old before telling the parents about the true relationship. What is a good family relationship? There are several indicators of a good family relationship: clear family boundaries and parents respecting each other. Everyone should think about it, if the child is over three years old, is either the husband or the wife too close to the child? If so, this state is incorrect. The functions of the family must be complete. First of all, the economic function does not require you to be rich, but try not to make your children feel poor and deprived. The second is the nurturing function. Parents should have basic physical and psychological knowledge to keep their children in a relatively comfortable state physically and mentally.state. The family must also have a buffering function and the atmosphere must be tolerant. We should allow children to have emotions and make mistakes. Family or good social relationship experience and ability. This kind of family is likely to bring a cheerful personality and high emotional intelligence to the children. On the contrary, the children are more likely to withdraw. In short, if parents are loving, children will be more relaxed and cheerful, feel more secure, have a more stable personality, have stronger ability to withstand stress, and are less likely to be suspicious and anxious. Children of loving couples will get along better with others and cooperate. When we judge a person\’s ability to cooperate in the workplace, we will also pay special attention to his marriage and family. Most family relationships are in the \”gray area.\” The relationship between husband and wife is not good, and it has not reached the point of divorce. This is the \”gray area.\” In the gray area, parents who often blame each other will cultivate children who love to shirk responsibility; couples who \”live together\” and regard their children as the continuation of the family will lead to selfish and willful children. A particularly strong mother is not conducive to the growth of her children. Some mothers always have the aura to command thousands of troops, and the children raised in this way are particularly prone to cowardice. We can also divide the problematic family models in the gray area into three situations: ❶ Mother-child alliance. It is very common for children to become overly dependent on their mothers. When boys grow up, they will be more naive and may even like older women to satisfy their inner desire for mothers. To deal with this situation, you must understand: There is only one relationship in the world that points to separation, and that is the parent-child relationship. Maintain a process of slowly pushing away from the child, especially after the age of 6, to help the child properly separate from the family and find partners. The lack of a father\’s role can easily make boys become \”mom\’s babies\” or \”little husbands\” while girls become tough and domineering. Dad\’s company is the secret recipe for gentleness in girls and bravery in boys. ❷ Children are caught in the middle and become the \”mouthpiece\” of their parents. Such children use puppy love to escape from their original family. And when they really get along with others, they are often frustrated, leading to late marriage. ❸ The family is entangled together and closed off from the outside world. This can lead to a child\’s social decline and refusal to grow. Children who grow up in a spoiled or overly closed family environment are prone to obesity, skin allergies, bronchitis and other physical and mental diseases. The solution to the above problems is actually not difficult. For example, fathers need to increase quality companionship, even if they spend five minutes a day with their children attentively. When you are on a business trip, you can make a five-minute phone call. Couples who have children caught in the middle need to communicate on their own, at least not to pass on each other\’s bad qualities to their children. Families that are entangled are more difficult to deal with, so it is recommended to seek professional treatment and advice. When a couple divorces, how can they reduce the harm to their children? Research has found that children from broken families often suffer from symptoms such as apathy, restlessness, and depression, and late intervention is not very effective. Please remember here that divorce is not the problem, the key is how to do it so that the children will suffer the least harm. Most divorces are preceded by a long period of marital turmoil. This process, from confrontation to separation to divorce and remarriage of parents, is a very big challenge for children. During the confrontation stage, do not engage in excessive behavior; during the separation stage, do not allow the child to have contact with only the mother. The way children understand the world isAdults are different and have different resistance capabilities. Before and after divorce, families are often in chaos, parents pay less attention to their children, and children tend to fall into emotions of guilt, self-blame, and shame, which is very detrimental to their mental health. Therefore, after the couple divorces, they must negotiate the time they spend together with their children and give the children an explanation. As mentioned earlier, the age of 13 is used as the dividing line, and the interpretation methods are also different. After divorce, children tend to feel empty and clingy, while parents overcompensate for their children out of guilt. Regarding compensating children, it is recommended to seize the \”security recovery period\” just after the divorce, and do not blindly compensate children without limit. A good relationship between husband and wife requires the following skills. Since divorce will cause harm to children to some extent, why not start from the root cause and maintain a good relationship between husband and wife? ➀ First of all, we must maintain a learning mentality, allow two people to have differences, and learn to share and coexist with each other. Pay attention to the other person\’s goodwill and strengths, and don\’t always find faults. ➁ Get to know each other rather than evaluate them. Husband and wife should understand each other\’s growth background and behavioral motivations instead of imagining what the other person should do. ➂ Just because you can’t feel the other person’s love doesn’t mean that the other person doesn’t love you. There may be something wrong with your own ability to feel. ➃When problems arise in a marriage, the correct way to think is: What responsibility should I bear for the marriage to this day? This thinking will promote the development of your marriage in a good direction and produce positive changes. ➄ Solve your mood first and then deal with things. The counselor has two steps when dealing with the relationship between husband and wife: first, try to reduce the emotions of both parties to the same level; then pay attention to whether the goals of the two people are consistent and work in the same direction, so that the marriage can be better. In fact, marriage is like a pendulum, good times and bad times are the norm. The same goes for children, who are bound to have stumbling blocks as they grow up. So smart couples will hold hands and quarrel, and we also need to grow up with our children.