You can\’t even handle him, but you still want to handle the elderly and children? hehe

After having children, Chinese families are generally accustomed to breaking up the original small family of two and including the elderly to form a new big family. At this time, the change in family relationships is not just about the addition of a baby, but the emergence of a very complex relationship map. In such a complicated relationship, conflicts may arise if you are not careful, and if they are not handled properly, they may collapse. What should we do instead? Let’s start our discussion with three parenting scenarios told by mothers. Scenario 1: My father is not in good health and needs my mother to take care of him. After I gave birth to the baby, my mother cared about me and the baby even more, so she came to help me without hesitation. However, seeing her so tired every day and having to help us take care of our children and my father makes me feel really sad. I really hope that my husband can do something sensible and share more housework when he gets home and watch the children more so that my mother can breathe. Tone, get some more rest. But what disappoints me is that every day my husband either says that the company is very busy and has to work overtime and comes home very late, or even if he comes home early, he always goes into the bedroom after dinner and holds a notebook and says he has documents to write. I have to ask many times for a lot of housework before I am willing to do a little bit of it, and sometimes it is better not to do it than to do it, which brings more trouble to my mother. I am far less fond of children than I imagined. Come over and tease her when you are happy. When the child cries or makes a fuss, he will quickly turn around and leave. The baby is several months old, and he can\’t even prepare milk powder, let alone change diapers, bathe the baby, etc., so my mother has to help me do it. Now, we hardly talk, because whenever we talk we quarrel, and I don’t want my parents to worry about me any more. But I really feel aggrieved, and I feel that I am getting further and further away from my husband. It turns out that this is what life is like after having a child, it is so disappointing! The first side of the relationship: The arrival of husband and wife and children breaks the previous structure of the family. Each family member actually needs to redefine his or her position in order to better interact with each other in the new family structure. In such a change in positioning, it is easy for dad to be eliminated. Especially when the woman\’s parents enter the nuclear family, although conflicts between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are avoided to a certain extent, it may make the positioning of the father particularly difficult. Men who have not experienced the process of becoming one with the baby will easily feel alienated. If they are isolated from the core circle of caring for the baby, they will have even less desire to participate. At this time, if the wife has not realized that her husband is on the verge of drifting away, it will be easier for her to completely push him out of the relationship circle. Therefore, after having a child, the aspect that requires the most attention is the adjustment of the relationship between husband and wife. The best way to adjust is to invite, not demand, or plead. Invitation is a process that has a clear purpose but is modest, tolerant and firm. For specific strategies, we can think about how to invite others to participate at work and in other situations, which may provide some inspiration. For example, we should clearly explain to the other party the intention of the invitation and the eagerness for his participation. This also includes sincerely and clearly expressing your needs for him and your affirmation of his importance. This way, the invited party may consider participating. During the invitation process, if you have the mentality that you must invite the other person, IWe will also \”match wits\” with each other: arouse his interest in participating, speculate on his original intention of refusing, eliminate his worries, etc. Then we may also have to do this in the invitation to the relationship circle after having children. Only by maintaining a healthy mentality and constantly adjusting your approach based on the opponent\’s performance can you achieve stability on this edge. Remember: the stability of this edge is very important! It is even possible to coordinate the other two sides through this side. Scene 2: A distant relative who was helping me take care of my baby suddenly left. When I didn’t know what to do and was particularly worried, the arrival of my mother-in-law relieved my urgent need. My mother-in-law raised three children by herself and helped my husband’s sister raise two children. She is very capable and knows everything. Not only can she help me, but it also relieves a lot of my anxiety about raising children for the first time. I am extremely grateful to get along with her, and I am very kind to her. But before long, conflicts inevitably occurred. The main reason is that my mother-in-law has more experience in raising children than me, so she is too strong. I insist on wearing diapers for the baby, but my mother-in-law insists on cleaning the baby with poop and urine; I insist on using a sterilizer to sterilize the baby, and my mother-in-law starts adding formula powder as soon as the baby is rinsed with water; I insist on taking the baby to early childhood education classes, and my mother-in-law just holds it one day My son went to cancel the class and said it was useless… As my mother-in-law took more and more decisions, I became more and more uncomfortable. I was often so angry that I wiped my tears by myself. I even wanted to ask my husband several times to send my mother-in-law away. Let’s go. I admit it’s tiring to take care of the kids by myself, but I’m also afraid that my husband will say I’m ungrateful. It was indeed me who urged him to invite my mother-in-law from my hometown. What\’s even more outrageous is that since the baby was completely weaned from breast milk, my mother-in-law stopped letting him sleep with us, saying that it would affect my husband\’s rest at night, and she was more attentive to taking care of the baby while sleeping. I think my biological mother may be a fake. The second side of the relationship: Intergenerational parenting is a special national condition in China. In the parenting theories and parenting guidance of Western countries, this aspect is rarely covered, so we need to use more Chinese wisdom to deal with this relationship. The core of this wisdom is called resilience. The so-called elasticity does not mean that there is no strength, but knowing how to make the strength softer when used, so that the relationship is subject to this elasticity, but it will not break at the touch of a touch. In fact, it is not only the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law in the scene description, but even if the biological mother comes to help take care of the children, conflicts in various parenting concepts and practices are inevitable. At this time we need to handle relationships flexibly. For example, we can rank the things we cannot tolerate from our elders, and take the things mentioned in the scene description as examples: not letting the baby sleep with us is the most intolerable, followed by peeing, then sterilizing bottles, and finally early education classes. Then we can look at which things must be forcefully dismissed, which are negotiable and discussed, and which are irrelevant. After that, we vigorously fight for the necessary parts, using roundabout tactics, especially asking my husband to solve the parts that may be changed, and ignore the unimportant parts. After such analysis, you will find that you have made flexible adjustments in these relationships, some are soft and some are hard, some are advancing and some retreating, and suchThe approach does not give the other party the feeling that everything has to be changed. The elders still have a lot of authority and privilege, and this is acceptable. In this constant rhythm of advancing and retreating, persisting, retreating and giving up, you will find that intergenerational parenting is not that bad. The big principles are still up to you, and there is no need to worry about small things. The feeling of the elders is that occasionally you have to do one or two things, but you still have to listen to me for most things. Everyone is happy. Scene 3 \”Baby, call me grandma!\” \”Hello grandma!\” \”Give grandma a piece of your chocolate.\” \”Grandma, here!\”… This is the neighbor mother I happened to meet when I took my son to play in the garden of the community. A conversation between the two women and an aunt from the neighborhood committee whom we are all familiar with. The little girl is two months younger than my son. She has a very good personality, is generous and obedient, and is praised by everyone. My son, who was always hiding behind me, pales in comparison. Just at this time, someone teased him: \”Young man, can you give me one of your biscuits too?\” My son clenched the biscuit tightly and hid behind me. \”Look, you are still a man, and other girls are so generous!\” An aunt nearby said to her son with a smile. The son still said nothing, lowered his head and picked at the cookie box with his hands. \”You see, children are different whether they are taught or not!\” \”Yes, personality is also affected by parents.\” Some people around made some comments. I know everyone is not necessarily targeting us, but my face is still burning at the moment. At that moment, I was really impulsive and wanted to pull my son out from behind and ask him to call him aunt or grandma, or to share the biscuits in his hands with everyone. However, I suddenly felt that my son was pulling my clothes tighter. I turned around to look at him, and he was looking at me with tears in his eyes, hesitating to speak. So, I squatted down, gently took my son into my arms, and put him against my chest. Just then I raised my head and found that my usually petite aunt and grandma looked very tall and huge. I stroked my son\’s back and asked him: \”Actually, the baby also wants to give it to auntie, but he\’s just a little scared.\” My son nodded gently in my arms. I told him: \”Auntie has no other intentions. She just teases you because she likes you. Next time, be prepared and take the initiative to give aunty cookies, okay?\” I felt my son nodded vigorously. I am very glad that I did not push my son under heavy pressure because of my own dignity, nor did I disrupt his growth rhythm, nor did I tear apart our already close relationship because of my own discomfort. The third side of the relationship: parents and children. When they are young, all children can only rely on the care of adults to survive. This often gives parents the illusion that their children are part of us, and they ignore the boundaries between themselves and their children. Yes, the balance point in the parent-child relationship we emphasize this time is boundaries. Parents who have no boundaries can easily integrate with their children: my feelings are my children\’s feelings, and the praise my children receive is my praise. Without boundary parenting, it is easy for us to become controlling parents, always asking our children to do something beyond the boundaries to satisfy our own needs. For example, we need our children to be outgoing, lively, and expressive sometimes according to our needs., sometimes you have to be quiet, well-behaved, gentle and obedient. It is this kind of boundaryless request that makes our relationship with our children strange: when he cannot do what you ask for, you will be disappointed, anxious, and angry, but the more disappointed, anxious, and angry you are, the more he will do it. Less than. Therefore, parents need to understand that even in a relationship that is so close and your child is so dependent on you, boundaries do exist. That means he is not you and does not belong to you! The time that humans spend raising young children is probably the longest among all animals. Such a long period of time requires humans to raise a completely independent individual, not a copy of their parents, nor exactly the same as anyone else. individual. In a parent-child relationship with boundaries, parents and children will have better space, and their personalities will become more complete every time they are separated. By solving the three aspects of the relationship between husband and wife, the relationship between generations, and the relationship between parents and children, we have established a very stable fulcrum in the complicated relationship, and we will no longer easily fail in the relationship. In addition, invitation, flexibility and boundaries are the three secrets we give you to improve family relationships. They can also be used interchangeably for these three important relationships. If you don’t believe it, you can think about it: flexibility and boundaries are also needed in the relationship between husband and wife; flexibility and invitation are also needed in the parent-child relationship; and invitations and boundaries are also needed in intergenerational relationships. Then, based on these three secrets, use your ever-changing tricks!