You know it’s not good to yell at your children, but you can’t help it. What should you do?

Ye Zi sat opposite me, constantly pulling the corners of his clothes with his hands and narrating to me. Ye Zi is one of my mother visitors. The so-called mother visitors are a type of visitor I come into contact with. The issue they often focus on is how to educate their children well, and yelling at children is a key point. 1 Roar’s Past and Present Life Ye Ye is not the only one in her family who has Roar. Sometimes, when she first comes to me, she says, “Please help me cure my ancestral Roar!” Starting from her great-grandfather, her family Her characteristic is that she gets very angry. She still remembers the way her great-grandfather yelled at her, and then when her father and mother beat her and yelled at her when she was a child, she was stunned. From a psychological point of view, families have a general pattern of emotional processing. For example, some families will completely suppress anger, while other families will easily develop a pattern of being controlled by anger. This is a habit: when dad loses his temper, the whole family becomes very well-behaved, and then they become very nervous about dad\’s demands – in Ye Zi\’s family, losing temper has even become an effective way. No one has ever questioned or expressed: Dad, you can ask for anything if you have needs, but you yelling like this really scares me. Therefore, many visitors will say that I have a bad temper, a bad temper, and a bad temper – there is nothing I can do about it. But for the sake of the children, I will definitely continue to work hard in the parent-child relationship→roar→frustrated! Then the parent-child relationship becomes a vicious cycle, and the result is mother visitors like Ye Zi. \”Always warn yourself not to lose your temper! Make up your mind, work hard, be restrained, suppress, and be patient. After a short period of time, it will be effective, but it will lead to a more violent outburst! Extreme regret, and even start to have various self-doubts.\” 2 The result of yelling again and again may be… When I was working in the hospital, I saw that many parents acted out of anger and impulsiveness to hurt their children: pouring boiling water on the child, breaking the child\’s tibia, and pushing the child to the table. Horny (bloody head)…the above is the worst consequence-endangering the life safety of the children, but in fact the general experience of children is like this: \”My mother\’s emotions are really unstable…\” My mother breaks things when she gets angry…\” \”Maybe I\’m not doing a good job, my mother always yells at me, and I don\’t know what to do…\” Poor parent-child relationship, children\’s trust in parents is reduced, children\’s self-confidence is reduced, children Taking the mother\’s anger as her own fault, high self-blame 3 and the early stage of the roar. Some mothers said that they really don\’t want to be angry, let alone hurt their children… but they just don\’t care about anything at all. We might as well think carefully, will every roar be an explosion of our daily emotions? endure? Most people who want to be good mothers basically believe that losing temper is bad. At the same time, after every roar, I will exercise extra restraint not to get angry again. But often in this process of patience, the more you endure, the greater your anger becomes. This is the legendary knife in the heart of \”forbearance\”. Encountered a triggering incident again? The so-called trigger events have three characteristics: repeated frustration points in the parent-child relationship, such as homework problems, such as procrastination; points that mothers are particularly afraid of, such as the child falling on his leg while playing on the slide last week, and again early this morning. NoisyGoing to play; emergencies, such as a child accidentally breaking something, but it was only a few days since the last time he was so reckless. Burst? The anger caused by patience accumulated, and the trigger incident blew up the dam of reason, and the ideal of a good mother was also blown away. At this moment, the reason in the brain also rushed out of the house and ran away from home. \”Why are you like this?\” \”You just want to tire me out, you know how hard it is for me!!\” \”How many times have I told you, how can you still…\” 4 The mothers who roared with the advanced method of roaring mothers, all Falling into reactive emotions, that is, getting angry whenever something disagrees with you. In other words, mothers who roar don’t need to restrain their roar, but rather get closer to their roaring selves! That is, cultivating emotional intimacy with difficulty. —— Masters\’ \”Emotional Intimacy\” The first step is to admit your anger and acknowledge the effort you have put in. It\’s not because you are bad, and it has nothing to do with your own character. Almost no one is born a good mother, and yelling is a step up. The second step is to discuss your tolerance with your teammates (you can also discuss it if you are a single-parent family, or you can discuss it with your parents or someone you trust). Tell your story: A is in pain – B is scared – C is confused. The reason why this step is very important is because I found in consultation that mothers who yell often are often lonely mothers. Her father is indifferent or opposed to her, so she has no choice but to carry a heavier burden. This step is very important, as it helps mothers support their forbearance and the fear behind it. The third step is to engage in a conscious act of anger. You can find your own teammates to play role-playing games, and you can even post posts on social networking sites and invite friends. Set the scene and ground rules. According to the angry scene in your memory, express it exaggeratedly, exaggerate your tone, try your best to find the feeling and revive the anger! (Please refer to Masters\’ \”Emotional Intimacy\” p23) Repeat the practice until you no longer feel trapped when you are angry, or no longer have the feeling that it is about to be over and the world is about to be destroyed (don\’t think too much) Difficult, usually no more than ten minutes). For important words to say when angry, such as, I\’m scared, discuss it with your teammates and get their support. Repeat the above exercises many times, and you will slowly gain: the ability to control anger, the ability to be gentle and persistent, open an important window to get close to your children, learn a method to get close to emotions, and you may become a truly powerful mother. So, try it for yourself. Bar! As Dr. Daniel Siegel, an expert in neuropsychology and parenting, said, the process of raising children is actually a process of self-regrowth. What is better than growing up with your children?