You use one educational method that is useful to others to destroy another. Why?

During the summer vacation, Chengzi would stay at my grandma\’s house for a while, and I would go back to see him every weekend. Grandma Chengzi found that there were some things that she usually nagged for a long time, coaxed and threatened to get Chengzi to do it, but I would think of a way and just say a few words, and Chengzi would happily do it. Grandma Chengzi saw that this method worked well, so she followed my example. As a result, I watched helplessly as this method was used out of shape and changed its taste. For example, when doing housework, I might design the housework and playing games into two tasks. After doing the housework, I can play again, just like playing a level. Grandma Chengzi also followed the same example, but for some reason, her words had the color of \”inducement\”: she could only play after completing the housework, as if there were conditions for playing the game. Chengzi will bargain with grandma with a smile. Even if grandma pretends to have a straight face, Chengzi knows she is bluffing. Grinding and grinding, grandma\’s patience was almost worn out, and she began to \”coerce\”: Say it or don\’t listen, you can do whatever you want, I don\’t care! Chengzi saw his grandma getting angry, so he did it obediently. I guess grandma is thinking: It seems that getting angry will help. And what I think about is: when educating children, they only copy the methods and fail to learn the concepts. Even my own mother is not good at it. Many parents have similar problems: a method that others have used quite well seems to have no effect when used on their own children. They even mess up the whole place and destroy each one with one. In the end, their own old method still works – Haoyi Give it a good beating. The reasons are obvious: each child\’s personality is different, each family\’s environment is different, and the way parents and children get along is different. Even if it is the same child, the same problem, and the circumstances in which it occurs are different, the solutions will be very different. The deeper reason is that many parents have only learned the methods, but have not understood the ideas behind the methods. Ideas are the core of solving problems. Without the support of concepts, an originally good method will go wrong. Just like asking Orange to do housework, when I understand what Kohut said: \”affection without temptation, determination without hostility\”, I will pay attention to the wording and tone of my words to let him feel from doing housework. to fun. And when Grandma Chengzi said the same words, it seemed like a conditional exchange. Because in her opinion, the so-called method is to achieve the purpose of letting Chengzi do housework. Without the support of concepts, the methods learned will only remain at the technical level and will not be effective for long. Experts have always told parents not to spank or spank their children. Some people will try to change their mentality and find that their thoughts have changed and there are many solutions to the problem. Some people just tolerate it and endure it for a few days. When they can no longer bear it, the accumulated anger suddenly bursts out, causing more harm to the child. Without the support of ideas, if the situation changes slightly, you will not know how to deal with it. With the same method, each child\’s reaction is very different. How to respond, when to persist, and when to compromise. No one can teach you step by step, you can only handle it based on your own feelings. For example, I once wrote in \”Every Child\’s Crying Is an Opportunity for Growth\” that when I tried to empathize with Chengzi and express his feelings,When he suffered, he cried even harder. I could feel that this was a release after the emotion was recognized, so I didn\’t stop it, but waited patiently for him to release his emotion. If it were another person, he might become irritable when he could not understand the child\’s emotions: In the same way as the child, this is a harmful method. It would be fine if it was not used, but it would be worse if it was used! My emphasis on ideas comes from one of my authors. Many years ago, when I was a newbie in the workplace, not long after I entered the publishing industry, I got a manuscript about etiquette. This manuscript made me feel excited when I read it, and I felt that it was a good book. Sure enough, the book was very popular after it was published, selling hundreds of thousands of copies, leading a small craze and becoming a classic in this field. I have been wondering, there are so many similar books on the market, why is this book selling so well? Until one time, I accompanied the author for an exclusive interview, and the reporter also asked this question. The author\’s answer has benefited me to this day. What she roughly means is: The biggest difference between this book and other similar books is that it uses real examples to tell readers why they should do this. In other words, it conveys an idea. Only when you understand the truth, will you want to change from the bottom of your heart and know how to do it more appropriately. Many similar books on the market list a lot of rules in ABC and 123, telling you to do this, not to do that, how much strength to shake hands, how many teeth to smile… There are too many rules, one is to remember. If you can’t stop it, secondly, it becomes a constraint. You cannot internalize it and make it your own. If you change the situation, you won’t know what to do. A true master of etiquette is one who understands the essence of etiquette and makes it natural, rather than memorizing and copying it by rote. It can be said that the difference between this book and other books is the difference in worldview and methodology. The author\’s words made me enlightened, and I understood why my heart surged when I read this book, while other etiquette books were just boring. I also understood from this that knowing why to do something (why) is far more important than knowing how to do it (how). It is better to teach a man to fish than to teach him to fish. Once you understand the truth, change will come naturally. Once you know the Tao, you can master the techniques and apply them flexibly. Why are so many people keen on finding ways? It\’s because in their eyes, it\’s the child who has a problem and it\’s the child who needs to change. They do not see their own problems, and they do not understand that their children\’s problems are actually manifestations of their parents\’ problems. In other words, even if you see your own problems, it is too difficult and painful to change yourself, and you will unknowingly become \”lenient to yourself and strict to others\”. So subconsciously, I want to take shortcuts and turn to external forces and tools, thinking that I can always find a short-term, quick-effect, and effective method. However, parents are the creators of the problem. If they don’t change themselves, how can they expect their children to do well? One of my teachers once did a project to provide psychological counseling for students in a middle school. After doing it for a long time, I became a little discouraged. Because she found that even if she helped students solve their problems in school, after the students returned home for a while, all the hard-earned results would be wasted – her fatherAs long as the mother remains unchanged, the child\’s growth environment remains unchanged. It is difficult for the child to change by relying on his own strength alone. Therefore, what really works is to start with the relationship with the children, start with the way of getting along with the children, and start with changing yourself. Changing yourself may seem difficult, but in fact, it is the easiest way. To change yourself, the first thing to change is your original philosophy. Not only do you need to learn the methods, but you also need to learn the ideas behind the methods. It is easy to learn one move after another, but the hard part is to practice internal strength. Without solid internal strength, no matter how powerful the moves are, they will become mere tricks. The methods vary widely, but the most important core idea is simple. I thought it was love and respect. Love your child, accept him for who he is, and accept his uniqueness. Establish a loving, warm relationship with your child and let him feel your love. Many problems naturally cease to be problems. Respect your child, rather than control him, respect his natural development as a person, and respect his independent choices. ——These words have been overused to the point of becoming chicken soup. However, how many people can truly understand and implement them? If there was a magic bullet that could cure all ills, I think it would be these two words: love and respect. Also add how to take it: awareness. When people are controlled by impulsive emotions, controlled by the inherent patterns in their minds, and their minds are filled with all kinds of \”shoulds\” and \”musts\”, they will forget what they really want. Being aware of your own emotions and your children\’s feelings will help you make the right choice. In this way, you will no longer be obsessed with searching for various methods and stick to rules and regulations. Your heart will tell you how to deal with this situation when you get along with your children.