Your child will eventually be extraordinary

In life, we often see this scene: \”Mom, I want a mobile phone, I want to use it to check study materials. Many of my classmates have learning machines to help them study. Mom: \”No, my friend\’s children buy them They used to say it was for learning, but look at them now, aren’t they all having fun playing games? You will definitely use it to play games. \”\”Mother! I want to help you wash the dishes! \”My mother said: \”You are still young, let\’s talk about it when you are older. \”When I was studying, I failed several times in a row. My mother said: \”It doesn\’t matter if you don\’t do well, you don\’t have to go to college! \”When I was a child, I often heard my father say: \”If you think others can\’t do it, you definitely can\’t do it either. \”\”It doesn\’t matter. \”Just try your best.\” At that time, I just said, \”Okay.\” \”But I don\’t know why, but I feel sad. In fact, many times, behind our words, we actually represent our attitude towards our children, or our expectations. Our unintentional words may be buried in the hearts of our children. A seed is planted. It can be a boost to a child\’s growth, or it can turn into a hindrance in an instant. Sociologist Robert Merton once pointed out: In some cases, our expectations and our expectations can lead to self-fulfilling prophecies The occurrence of (Self-fulfiling prophecy). Self-actualization is a wrong definition of a situation at the beginning, triggering new behaviors, and finally making this wrong definition become a reality. To put it simply: \”You can do it if you say you can.\” It’s okay even if it’s not okay; if you say you can’t do it, you can’t do it, and you can’t do it either. \”The famous American psychologist Rosenthal and a school principal Jacobson also conducted an interesting study on this. They called it the Pygmalion effect. That is, the more you expect good things from someone, He will get better. This conclusion also applies to parents and children. When we believe that he can do it, most of the behaviors we show in the process should be motivating. And when children When you feel this kind of motivation, you will be more motivated when doing it. Its final result may meet our expectations, or even do better than we imagined. The child will become better because of our expectations. But he It can also get worse in our expectations. Mark Snyder and Bill Swan published a study in which there was such an experiment: some college students participated in some reaction competitions, in pairs, in 24 experiments , it was a competition to see who could react faster. In fact, these expectations were randomly assigned, and they had no idea how competitive Student B actually was. But the impact of these expectations was dramatic. When students were led to think that their opponents were very When they were competitive, they were firing on all cylinders, with their weapons reaching high-intensity noise 61% of the time, but when the students expected a cooperative opponent, their weapons were at high-intensity noise only 28% of the time (see figure below) .(In the picture above, the data related to the expected value of Student B in the experiment, blue represents aggression, and the other represents expected cooperation) At the same time, in response, those students who are expected to be aggressive will fight back. The Pygmalion effect changes things. You have to be negative. The more you expect someone to be bad, the person willIt gets worse. And in the second stage of the experiment: It can be seen that the opinions and beliefs of people around us have a great impact on us. It can be positive or negative in the blink of an eye, and this belief and perception can have a lasting impact on us long after they are no longer with us. Corresponding to children\’s education, when a child encounters difficulties in the learning process, parents may verbally encourage them, but what they think in their hearts is: Hey, it seems that he really has no talent in this area and cannot force it. What will happen to the child at this time? Children will definitely feel what we have not said in our hearts, \”Mom and Dad don\’t think I have any talent!\” This kind of thing gradually happens more and more. Children always cannot learn mathematics well and can\’t finish learning painting halfway through. , learning to swim is the same. . . Until one day, it seems that nothing can be done successfully by the child. Every time he encounters a difficulty, the child will always feel helpless and think that he is not capable enough or lucky, rather than firmly believing that he will be able to overcome the difficulty. As a result, the child will feel: \”No matter what I want to do, or what my parents ask me to do, almost none of them succeeds. I may really not be able to do anything well.\” What\’s even more frightening is that this kind of lack of confidence It will last for a long time and reach all aspects of children\’s lives. How exactly can we make the Pygmalion Effect more valuable in our children’s lives? First of all, we need to be clear, do we really believe from the bottom of our hearts that our children can do it? Only when we believe in our children from the bottom of our hearts will it be possible for our children to meet our inner expectations. Just like many fathers who teach their children to ride bicycles, when we always think that their children will fall, we will hold them before they fall, and we don\’t even have time to let them learn to fall and start again. Parents who believe that their children can do it may help their children put on helmets and knee pads, choose a safe practice place, let go, walk away, and let their children move forward on their own. Children are sensitive, and they sense our true views and expectations of them from our words and deeds. Face your own heart and learn to truly trust your children from the bottom of your heart. Then, believe that they will not disappoint us. Second, learn to praise your children correctly. Psychologist William James said: Humanity\’s deepest desire is to be appreciated by others. This is what distinguishes humans from animals. For children, due to their young age and naive psychology, their strongest need and most essential desire is to be praised by others, especially encouragement from their parents. If a person receives little praise or affirmation in childhood, it will directly affect his development and even lead to personality defects throughout his life. However, this kind of belief is not blind belief, but tells him: you can do it, but it requires hard work, and you need to have relevant knowledge, skills, strategies and even resources. You can say: You did a good job, because of your efforts, you developed good habits, and you gained knowledge and skills. Your trust and expectation in him may be the greatest praise and encouragement to him. Children are easily satisfied and motivated. Just like me, I stillI remember that once I went home and praised my younger brother inadvertently. At that time, his eyes seemed to be twinkling with light. Third, when a child encounters difficulties, you can tell him: \”You just can\’t do it temporarily, but we can work together.\” Analyze with him the reasons why he encounters difficulties, and tell him that if he wants to achieve his goal, he still needs to have What conditions. A friend once accompanied his child to do a small test called Schulte Grid, which is a standard test for children\’s concentration. At the beginning, the child couldn\’t do it because he didn\’t know the numbers well, and he would behave very badly every time he did it. anxiety. At this time, my friend decided to let the child recognize numbers first. After the child learned the number, he first asked the child to find 10 from 1. When the child completed the goal, he then asked the child to find 15 from 1, and progressed step by step. In the end, the child completed this small task well. Task. In fact, what we can do is to give our children more trust, more expectations, and more incentives, so that they can move towards the future with more confidence. In the end, our children will become what we really want them to be, as long as we, as parents, truly believe that they can.